Marches and Regulations Anecdotes (Post No.4154)

Compiled by London Swaminathan


Date: 13 August 2017


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Post No. 4154

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A green young lieutenant was assigned a new detachment. He was a very small and helpless looking individual and when he first appeared before his company, there were many audible comments made about his apparent ineptness. From the rear of the ranks a voice boomed,

And a little child shall lead them

There was a roar of laughter.

Seemingly undisturbed finished the business of the day. Next morning there appeared a notice on the bulletin board

Company A will take a 25 mile hike today with full packs. And a little child shall lead them……….. on a damned big horse.




The late Smedley D Butler, always an impulsive man, was generally careful of the welfare of his men. One time in France he encountered two soldiers emerging from the kitchen with a large soup kettle.

Let me taste that, he ordered.

Bu, Gen…………….

No buts! Give me a spoon.

Taking a taste, he sputtered,

You don’t call that soup, do you?

No sir, replied the soldier

I was trying to tell you ,sir, it is dishwater



Regulations Anecdotes : Extremely Confidential!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Strange things happen in military circles. An army officer was given the task of preparing a factual report on heavy ordnance. Partly because he was pressed for time and partly because the facts were there, arranged in their best way, he copied pretty much verbatim the article on the subject in the Encyclopaedia Brittanica , and turned it over to his superior s. Not long after, he received along with all his brother officers, a mimeographed copy of his report from the war department in an envelope heavily sealed and labelled, “Extremely Confidential”.





COMPILED by London Swaminathan


Date: 11 August 2017


Time uploaded in London- 10-02 am


Post No. 4149

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One night, at the beginning of the World War, Picasso and Gertrude Stein were taking a walk when they saw a camaflouged truck for the first times. He was amazed by the resemblance of to cubist art, and, in the tone of a man who has just been plagiarised, said,

“Why, it is we who invented that !”

Later when a new field uniform for the French army was discussed, he told Cocteau

“If they want to make an army invisible at a distance, all they have to do is dress the men as harlequins”


Not giving Tea is recrimination!

Harvey Klemmer tells of how one of the London wardens , a slim, elderly man , directed the work of removing bodies

“They got my house last night”, he said simply.

I heard from one of the other wardens that while this man was working on a job, someone came running to tell him his own house, a few streets away had been hit. The house and all his belongings had been destroyed; his wife and children fortunately, had gone to a nearby shelter. I asked the man what he would do if he could lay his hands on the airmen who had dropped the bomb.

He gulped a couple of times and I waited eagerly to hear what sort of punishment he would be prepared to mete out.

“Well”, he said slowly, “I don’t think I would give him a cup of tea”.

That is the nearest thing to recrimination I have heard in England.



An American who had gone to England to carry out certain duties in connection with the War, was wearied by a seemingly interminable season of fog and rain. One day he glanced out of his window at the barrage balloon s which could be seen mistily at their cable ends in the sky and asked ,”Why don’t they just cut the ropes on those thongs and let the place sink!”



During the First World War, the Germans entered and occupied a small Belgian town. Seeking keep the occupants of the town under control, an officer of the German army called all the citizens to the town hall and insisted that they all take the oath of allegiance to the German emperor.

One particularly truculent and obstinate inhabitant refused to be intimidated, and kept boasting of the defence the Belgian s put up against the superior German force.

Finally the German officer lost all patience ,”Take this oath of allegiance or you will be shot”.

Faced with this alternative, the man gave in and took the oath.

“That’s the spirit, said the German, now you may come and go as you please. You are one of us”.


With a sly grin on his face, the Belgian turned and said,

“Say, didn’t those Belgians give us a hell of a fight?”

Xxxx SUBHAM Xxxxx






Sleeping and Drinking Anecdotes (Post No.4113)

Compiled  by London Swaminathan
Date: 25 July 2017
Time uploaded in London-18-02
Post No. 4113
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Stephen Leacock says, “I often think this ‘insomnia’ business is about 90 percent nonsense. When I was a yong man living in boarding house in Toronto, my brother George came to visit me, and since there was no spare room, we had to share my bed. In the morning, after day light, I said to George,

“Did you get much sleep?”

“Not a damn minute”, said he.

Neither did I, I rejoined. “I could hear every sound all night.”

“Then we put our heads up from the bed clothes and the bed was coveed with plaster. The ceiling had fallen on us in the night. But we hadn’t noticed it. We had ‘insomnia’.



The old light house keeper had been at his post continuously for thirty ears. During that entire period he had been accustomed to a gun going off, practically under his nose, every six minutes, day and night This was the method followed for warning the ships Naturally, he grew hardened to this periodic explosion, and paid no attention to it. Then, one night, in his 31st year at his post, the gun failed to go off. The old man awoke from a sound slumber.

“What was that?” he cried in alarm.



Drinking Anecdotes

One day Dr Johnson was conversing with Mrs Williams, ablind friend of his. She was telling him where she had dined the day before, “There were several gentlemen there”, said she, “and I found that there had been a good deal of hard drinking”. She closed this observation with a tite moral reflection: I wonder what pleasure men can take in making beasts of themselves!”

Dr Johnson replied, “I wonder madam that you have not the penetration to see that he who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.”



A lady once asked Secretary of State Evarts if drinking so many different wines did not make him seedy (unwell) the next day.

“No madam, he repied, It is the indifferent wines that produce that result”.


All teetotellers should be as gracious in their excuses as the Irish poet, George Russel, better known as A.E.

When declining a drink, he would murmur, “No, thank you. You see…………. I was born intoxicated”.



Sir Campbell Bannerman M.P. was once asked his opinion on the liquor traffic. He replied, “The liquor traffic is a large subject, and I can hardly enter on it here. There is an old story of a Highlander who was asked if whisky was not a bad thing. ‘Yes’, said he, ‘very bad—especially bad whiskey.”




Dickens and Voltaire: More Author Anecdotes (Post No.4080)

Compiled by London Swaminathan
Date: 14 July 2017
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Post No. 4080
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Meeting one’s literary idol face to face is sometimes a sad experience. According to George Dolby, who was dickens lecture manager.

During the progress of a reading, he tells, my attention was drawn to a gentleman who was in a most excited state. Imagining to be ill and wanting assistance,

I said, “What is the matter with you?”

“Say, who is that man on the platform reading ?”

“Mr Charles dickens”, I replied

“But that ain’t the real Charles dickens, the man as wrote all them books I have been reading all these years?”

“The same”

“Well, all I have to say about it then is that he knows no more about Sam Weller a cow does of pleating a shirt, at all events that ain’t my idea of Sam Weller, anyhow. And he clapped his hat on his head and left in a state of high dudgeon.



Voltaire and Casanova

While Voltaire was living in retirement in Geneva, he was visited by the Italian Casanova. Voltaire had been reading some recent works by Haller, the Bernese savant, and praised him to his guest.

“That is commendation which is indeed ill requited”, said Casanova.

“I have heard that Haller, far from returning your compliment says that your writing is more than half nonsense”.

Ah, well, then returned the famous wit with a wry smile, “it may be that we were both mistaken in our judgments”.



Dr Johnson and Oliver Goldsmith

One day Dr Johnson received a message from Oliver Goldsmith that his land lady had called in an officer to arrest him for non- payment of his bill. Johnson immediately sent him a guinea and himself proceeded to the scene of battle at his own speed.


When he arrived Goldsmith had already broken the guinea to procure a bottle of Madeira, and being well stimulated by the contents was berating his land lady soundly when Johnson entered.


The heavy angel interrupted his eloquence to inquire if he had any means of raising money, whereat Goldsmith produced the manuscript of a novel.  This Johnson pocketed, hurried away to Newbury the book seller and returned shortly with sixty pounds. This was the “Vicar of Wakefield “



What is Research? Authors Anecdotes (Post No.4077)

Compiled by London Swaminathan
Date: 13 July 2017
Time uploaded in London- 10-34 am
Post No. 4077

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The Emily Dickenson house in Amherst has been converted into a shrine, preserving the memory and relics of the distinguished American poetess. During his administration, President Coolidge, chancing to pass through Amherst, stopped off at the Dickinson shrine to do it honour.


In deference to the President he was shown throughout the house; permitted to see and handle many relics carefully shut away from the general public. At last the small upper room in which Emily Dickinson had done much of her writing, the greatest special privilege was conferred upon him. Stooping down, his guide opened a locked chest and removed from it a packet of holograph manuscripts of some of her most famous poems.

These were put into Coolidge’s hand. He examined them with interest And handed them back making, at the same time, his only comment on the entire tour, “Wrote with a pen, eh? I dictate”.




Research is………………..

Nicholas Murray Butler and Prof Brander Mathews of Columbia university were having a conversation, and Prof Mathews was giving his ideas on plagiarism from an article of his own on that subject.

In the case of the first man to use an anecdote, he said, there is originality; in the case of the second there is plagiarism; with the third there is lack of originality; and with the fourth it is drawing from a common stock.

“Yes”,  broke in President Butler, “and in the case of fifth, it is research”.



Synonyms and Antonyms!

Henry James could never rest content with the phrases that came to his tongue. He simply couldn’t leave the English language alone; he would extract a word from his verbal store house, drop it, substitute another ,then a third, and so on until he had constructed a veritable pyramid of synonyms. This terrible word malady broke out once at Princes Restaurant as he gave the waiter his order,

“Bring me…………, fetch me…………., carry me…………. supply me….. in other words (I hope you are following me) serve …………when it is cooked… scorched…. grilled. I should say a large…considerable…meaty ( as opposed to fatty ) …. chop .



Old Maids Anecdotes (Post No.4019)

Compiled by London Swaminathan
Date: 20 June 2017
Time uploaded in London- 18-09
Post No. 4019
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I worry!

At a recent dinner, the Reverend Dr Minot J Savage told a story of a lady who was asked ,

“Do you ever think of getting married?”

“Think?” She answered, with asperity, “I worry:

(asperity= harshness of tone or manner)


Question to actress


Maude Adams, the famous actress, was in her dressing room preparing for a performance. Her old coloured maid was dressing her hair when, without warning, she said,

“When you gwing to git married, Miss Maudie?”

“Oh, replied the star laughingly, I don’t think I will ever get married .”

“Well”, said the old servant , in a soothing tone as though to comfort her mistress, “they do say old maids is the happies’ kind after they quit struggling.”

(spelling and grammar: given the way they speak)


Not a fussy Old Maid!

It was the maid’s day off and the lady of the house was doing her own marketing. On her way home she happened to meet the girl who was wheeling a baby carriage which contained a smiling set of twins. Stopping to pet the children she casually asked the maid ,

“And whose children are these?”

“Mine, Ma’am”

“Yours, Sally, why I always thought you were an old maid”

Well, madam, I is. But I ain’t a fussy old maid.”



Marriage and Mirage– More Anecdotes

Compiled by London Swaminathan
Date: 16 June 2017
Time uploaded in London- 10-37 am
Post No. 4006
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Hope over Experience


A gentleman who had been very unhappy in marriage married a second time , immediately after his first wife died.

Dr Johnson said of him,” His conduct was the triumph of hope over experience”.



Marriage is Mirage


George Ade was fond of telling the following story,

“I was sitting with a little girl of eight one afternoon. She looked up from the copy of Hans Anderson she was reading and asked innocen ly

“Does ‘m… i…. r… a… g.. e’  spell marriage, Mr Ade?”

“Yes, my child”, said I .


At last she sleeps Alone!

At a Hollywood party the guests were playing a game which required each one to write an epitaph for himself.

A much-married actress was sitting next to Robert Benchley and complained that she did not know what to write for herself.

Benchley said, “I will write it for you”.

He did so, and passed on her slip with his to be read out.

The epitaph when read was,

“At last she sleeps alone”.



Regards, but not Marriage!

A celebrated wit was asked why he did not marry a young lady to whom he was much attached.

“I know not, he replied, except the great regard we have for each other”.



Cross and Circle!


Into the office came a negress to collect her weekly wages.

In signing for them, she drew a circle.

“How it is , Mandy”, she was asked, “that you make a circle instead of your usual cross?”

“Why”, she said, “I done got married again and changed my name.”







Honeymoon Anecdotes (Post No.3980)

Compiled by London Swaminathan


Date: 7 June 2017


Time uploaded in London- 19-o8


Post No. 3980


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When Cary Grant, the film actor, recently married Barbara Hutton, the couple did not depart for a wedding trip because it was necessary for Grant to report on the lot for the filming of “Once Upon a Honeymoon ”




Snake Charmer!

After a whirlwind court ship, the loving couple had eloped and married. After a few days of the honeymoon, the fact came out that the wife was a snake charmer. Slightly appalled, the husband said in a reproachful astonishment,

“How is that you never told me you were a snake charmer?”

Said his wife, “You never asked me”.




Honey! Oh Honey!!!


While on her honeymoon, the young bride had gone out alone one afternoon to make a few purchases. Coming back to the hotel where she had been accustomed to trustfully following her husband’s guidance, she got off the elevator at the wrong floor. She went down the corridor until she reached what she supposed to be the door of her room. Finding it locked and having no key with her she knocked upon it and called out softly,

“Honey, oh Honey”.

There was no response. After a while she knocked again calling somewhat more loudly,

“Honey, oh Honey”.

When this had occurred a number of times, a blatant male voice roared out from within, saying,

“Madame, this is not a beehive, it’s a bath room”.



Honey! Have you got the tickets?

Bridegrooms are known for their nervousness; but here is one who managed to retain his diplomacy in the midst of all the hurry and tension of the ceremony and the departure for the honeymoon trip.

Finally, seated in the car which was to take them to the railroad station, the bride asked if he had remembered the tickets,  he reached into his pockets and pulled out — one ticket. Hurriedly gathering his thoughts, remembering his flustered feelings when he had gone to purchase the tickets, he said,

“Dear me. Look only one ticket. You see, darling. I forgot all about myself.”





Society anecdotes (Post No.3940)


Lord Balfour (former Prime Minister of United Kingdom)

Compiled by London Swaminathan


Date: 25 May 2017


Time uploaded in London: 6-18 am


Post No. 3940


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Disappointing Lord!


Lord Balfour was visiting friends in Scotland. One evening, while attending a dinner given in his honour, he noticed that the little daughter of his host was eyeing him covertly. He smiled to her and she, plucking up courage asked him,

“Are you really and truly an English Lord?”

“Yes, he answered gravely, really, truly”.

“I have often thought I should like to see an English Lord”

She went on and….and

“And now you aware satisfied”, he asked her.

“N……. no she answered slowly, I am not satisfied.I am a good deal disappointed”.




Young Bible, but not Lettered!

At a fashionable salon in London appeared , a young gentleman, the son of His Majesty’s printer who had the patent to print the Bibles. He was dressed in green and gold. Being a new face and extremely elegant, he attracted the attention of the whole company. A general murmur prevailed in the room, to learn who he was.


Colley Ciber, the outrageous wit, who was present, instantly made reply, loud enough to be heard by everybody:

“Oh don’t you know him?

It is young Bible, bound in calf and gilt, but not lettered”.


More Introduction Anecdotes

W Wilson (former President of America)

Woodrow Wilson’s Rejoinder!

When Woodrow Wilson was president of Princeton he was called upon to be the chief speaker at an educators banquet in New York . Dr Nicholas Murray Butler of Columbia was toast master. When the time came to introduce the principal speaker, Dr butler presented him as “A sleepy man from a sleepy little college in a sleepy little town”.

Wilson rose and opened his remarks by saying,

“The charge of sleepiness could never be brought against Dr Butler for is it not said in the scriptures,

Lo, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.”




Unbroken Blemish!

At a banquet in Dublin a toast master was delivering a eulogy of Sir Henry Irving

“Sir Henry”, he said, “is not only the artist of the first rank, the first of his profession to be honoured with a knighthood, but is also a man of utmost integrity and highest honour. It would not be too much to say that his has been a life of unbroken blemish”.





Introduction Anecdotes (Post No.3937)

Compiled by London Swaminathan


Date: 24 May 2017


Time uploaded in London: 19-15


Post No. 3937


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Hot Potato and Fools

During one of his campaigns, William Jennings Bryan spoke in a city in one of the North-Western states (USA). The chairman in presenting the speaker, made an embarrassing fulsome and eulogistic introduction of Bryan, in such bad taste that many wondered how Bryan would succeed in overcoming the unfortunate effect of it. Bryan however wasn’t easily dismayed.

“The very kind observations of the chairman”, he said, “bring to my mind the case of the man at a formal banquet table, who impulsively put into his mouth a large fork full of steaming, hot baked potato, which he instantly spat out upon his plate. Looking about at his disconcerted fellow guests and at his hostess, he remarked blandly, “Some damn fools would have swallowed that”.



Shortest German Introduction

Long introductions, when a man has a speech to make are a bore, said former senator John C Spooner, one of the great senate leaders.

“I have had all kinds, but the most satisfactory one in my career was that of a German Mayor of a small town in my state, Wisconsin”.

I” was to make a political address and the opera house was crowded. When it came time to begin the mayor got up.

“Mine friends, said he, I hafe asked been to introduce Senator Spooner who is to make a speech, ja. Vell, I hafe did so und he will now do so”.



Introduction of a Big Man


“I had expected to find Mr Lloyd George a big man in every sense”, playfully remarked the chairman, when introducing the statesman to a meeting.

“But you see for yourselves he is quite small in stature”.

Lloyd George was no whit abashed.

“In North Wales”, he remarked, “we measure a man from his chin up. You evidently measure from his chin down.”


Most Notorious Woman

The lady from Arkansas, senator Hatie Caraway , was about to address a gathering of her constituents . The chairman introduced her with a prolonged and lavish eulogy, culminating thunderously with the words,

“Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you the most notorious woman in Arkansas.”