More Banks Anecdotes (Post No.7851)

Compiled  BY LONDON SWAMINATHAN

Post No.7851

Date uploaded in London – 19 April 2020   

Contact – swami_48@yahoo.com

Pictures are taken from various sources for spreading knowledge; this is a non- commercial blog. Thanks for your great pictures.

Cleaning out the bank!

Upon being questioned as to the occupation of his father, the young man replied,

He cleans out the bank.

Janitor or President? was the final question.

Xxx

Identification, Please!

Pausing for a moment before completing the final transaction before him, the teller in the bank peered at the young lady and asked ,

I am sure that this check is alright, but could you show me some positive identification?

The young lady seemed about to turn away: then in a faltering tone, she said,

I have a mole on my thigh just above the knee.

Xxx

Your loving wife Ethel!

A young bride walked into a bank to cash a cheque. She was somewhat taken aback when the clerk informed her that the cheque would have to be indorse d before by her before it could be cashed.

Why, it is a good cheque. My husband sent it to me. He is away on business.

Yes, Madam, it is perfectly alright. But please sign it on the back so that your husband will know that you got the money.

The bride walked to the writing desk, seemed to be lost in deep contemplation for a moment, and then returned to the tellers window and handed the cheque to him.

Great was his surprise when he saw scrawled across the back of the cheque,

Your loving wife Ethel.

Xxx

No Funds, Madam!

Returning home one evening a father was accosted by his daughter in the hallway of their home.

Indignantly the daughter said,

Father, why in the world, did you tell me to put my money in such a bank? Why it is absolutely on the rocks?

What, said her father, why that is one of the strongest banks in the country. What do you mean by such a statement?

Waving a cheque in the air, his daughter replied,

Look at this. It is my cheque for $25 and it was returned today by the bank and marked,

No Funds.

tags– banking, jokes

Xxx Subham Xxx

Real Estate and Fire insurance Anecdotes (Post No.7823)

Compiled BY LONDON SWAMINATHAN

Post No.7823

Date uploaded in London – 13 April 2020   

Contact – swami_48@yahoo.com

Pictures are taken from various sources for spreading knowledge; this is a non- commercial blog. Thanks for your great pictures.

When an insurance adjuster returned from investigating a blaze his boss asked what had caused the fire,

Friction, the investigator replied tersely.

Something rubbing together, eh?

Yeah, the adjuster added, the fire was caused by rubbing a $ 3000 insurance policy against a $ 2000 house.

Xxx

A hearing was being held to determine whether or not it was, as some seemed to think, an incendiary fire . The adjuster was questioning some of the villagers attempting to find out if the fire had been started for the purpose of collecting insurance.

One of those under questioning was an old man, deaf as a post. Unable to hear the questions being fired at him, he turned to his wife, a puzzled look on his face.

At the top of her voice she shouted,

What the man wants to know is was the Jobson’s fire kotched er was it sot?

X

Pacific Ocean

Real Estate Anecdotes

Groucho Marx, after much evasion, finally succumbed to the blandishments of a realtor who wanted to show him a palatial ocean front estate which was for sale. The salesman drove the comedian up the mile long beautifully landscaped approach escorted him through the house, stables, the gardens, the kennels, babbling of the wonders of the dream palace by the sea. Groucho patiently plodded after him, nodding gravely, apparently much impressed. Finally, he was ushered out on the flagged terrace and the salesman waved proudly toward the broad expanse of the Pacific.

Now, what do you think?, he challenged.

I don’t care for it, replied Groucho thoughtfully and he waved in turn at the view.

Take away the ocean and what have you got?

Xxx

An artist who wanted a home among the Taconic Hills of Vermont was talking the matter over with a farmer who allowed that he had a house for sale.

I must have a good view, insisted the artist.

Is there a good view?

Well, drawled the farmer,

From the front porch, yuh kin see Ed Snow’s barn, but beyond that there ain’t nuthin’ but a bunch of mountains.

tags – real estate, fire insurance, anecdotes

Xxxx subham xxx

Political Party Anecdotes (Post No.7681)

Written by LONDON SWAMINATHAN

Post No.7681

Date uploaded in London – 11 March 2020

Contact – swami_48@yahoo.com

Pictures are taken from various sources for spreading knowledge; this is a non- commercial blog. Thanks for your great pictures.

Thaddeus Stevens, once going into the room of the Committee on Elections of which he was a member, found a hearing going on. He asked one of his Republican colleagues what was the point in the case.

“There is not much point to it”, was the answer.

“They are both dammed scoundrels”.

“Well”, said St evens,

“Which is the Republican damned scoundrel? I want to go for the Republican damned scoundrel”.

Xxx

I am a Democrat

Senator George W Norris had made a speech in Norfolk, Nebraska the night before and was taking a walk after breakfast when he noticed some men hitching a horse in a livery stable across the street. One of them recognised him and crossed over hurriedly introducing himself as a preacher in a place twelve miles away, in haste to get home to deliver his sermon.

The preacher wanted to shake his hand.

“I have followed your record in the Congress , he said, and I came down to your meeting last night to hear you talk . Mr Norris, I am so anxious to have you succeed that every night on bended knees I ask god to guard and protect you and see that you are elected to the Senate in order that your activities may have a wider scope. Why I get so enthusiastic that I almost feel as though I ought to vote for you myself”.

“Well, my good friend, if that is the way you feel about it, why don’t you vote for me?”

“Oh, Mr Norris, I never could do that. I am a Democrat.”

Xxx

United States and Slavery

Judge T Lyle Dickey of Illinois related that when the excitement over the Kansas Nebraska Bill first broke out, he was with Lincoln and several friends attending court. One evening several persons, including himself and Lincoln, were discussing the slavery question. Judge dickey contended that slavery was an institution which the Constitution recognised, and which could not be disturbed.

Lincoln argued that ultimately slavery must become extinct.

After a while, said Judge Dickey, we went upstairs to bed. There were two beds in our room, and I remember Lincoln sat up in his night shirt on the edge of the bed arguing the point with me. At last we went to sleep.

Early in the morning I woke up and there was Lincoln half sitting up in bed.

Dickey, said he, I tell you this nation cannot exist half slave and half free.

Oh, Lincoln, said I, go to sleep.

Xxxx

Inherited from England

Cobden used to tell us the following anecdote,

When in America, I asked an enthusiastic lady why her country could not rest satisfied with the immense unoccupied territories it already possessed, but ever must be hankering after the lands of its neighbours; when her remarkable reply was:-

“Oh the propensity is a very bad one , I admit, but we came honestly by it, for we inherited it from England” .

Xxx Subham xxxx

More Golf Anecdotes (Post No.7375)

  More Golf Anecdotes (Post No.7375)  

Compiled by London swaminathan Post no. 7375 Date 23 December 2019 Uploaded from London Pictures are taken from various sources; thanks  
xxxx


Searching frantically for an almost hour , two novices at the game of golf attempted to find their balls which they had driven into the rough.
About to give up they were approached by a sweet old lady who had been watching them sympathetically,
I don’t wish to interfere, gentlemen, but would it be cheating if I were to tell you where the balls are?

Xxx  

THREE STROKES, THREE ECHOES!
A foursome at golf were going around on a course which had as its hazard a deep ravine. Three of them were caught and two of them decided to forfeit the hole rather than take a chance on having too many strokes chalcked up against them . The other decided to take his chances.
He disappeared into the ravine and others gathered around to watch his progress. Finally the ball appeared and bounced up on to the green.
How many strokes ? Asked one.
Three.
But we heard six.
Three of them were echoes.
Xxx  

CARELESS CADDIE
The golfer, annoyed at the loss of his ball, started to scold his caddie for not having been more careful in watching its flight.
Replying thoughtlessly, attempting to excuse himself, the caddie said,
Well, sir, it dint usually go any where, so it sort of took me unprepared like
Xxx  

LABORERS SYMPATHY

  A couple of day labourers, on their way home from work, stopped to watch a game of golf. They saw a golfer drive his ball into the rough; watched as he toiled to extricate himself. Then he got into sand trap and laboured, throwing up huge clouds of sand, to get himself out of his difficulty .
Finally, after getting on the Green, he managed to put the ball into the cup. One of the labourers, a burly Irishman, had been watching all this with a most sympathetic eye. Unable to repress his verbal sympathy, he said,
Now, mister, yez arre in a helluva fix.

Xxx  

DISAPPOINTING SUCCESS
A new member of a golf club was led to the first tee. Surrounded by grinning spectators he teed off, and with an almost miraculous drive landed the ball in the first hole. Noticing no sign of anything from his watchers, who were in fact struck speech less by this feat, he marched off to the second tee. Taking his stance again he drove at the ball, and again it went into the cup.
Waving his club as though in near disappointment he said,
Gosh, I sure thought I would missed it that time.
Xxx


Football Anecdotes (Post No.7343)

WRITTEN By London Swaminathan

swami_48@yahoo.com

Date: 14 DECEMBER 2019

 Time in London – 19-30,

Post No. 7343

Pictures are taken from various sources; beware of copyright rules; don’t use them without permission; this is a non- commercial, educational blog; posted in swamiindology.blogspot.com and tamilandvedas.com simultaneously. Average hits per day for both the blogs 12,000

Football and Religion


In Belfast they still tell you about the football game that took place between the 100 % Catholics and 100% Protestants. A Limey attended that game and when the Catholics made a skilful play he applauded and when the Protestants in their turn scored he again joined in the shouting. At this point an Irishman jabbed the Limey in the back and said,


“My God, Man, haven’t you got any religion at all?”


Xxxx

“Girls” won the match

Coach Dana X Bible of Texas A and M college delivered perhaps the quietest, shortest, most effective pep talk in recent football history. His team had been badly trounced in the first half of one of their big games. The interval between halves was one of silence and gloom in which the coach said nothing. At last, as the team prepared to go out again on the field, he looked them over slowly and deliberately and said,
Well, girls, shall we go?
They won the game.

Xxx

The football game between Notre dame and Yale was in full swing. The score was tied. The spectators were yelling wildly; the players were grimly determined that their side would win.


About the middle of the third quarter time was called at the request of the Yale Center. Walking up to the referee he said,


Look here, Mr Referee, I don’t like to complain but every time we get tangled up in a scrimmage play that big Irish Center bites me. What do you think that I should do about it?


Well, snapped the referee, the only thing I advise is that you play him only on Fridays.

Xxxx subham xxx

Pope’s Cardinal in Hell! Pope said OK! (Post No.6538)

Compiled  by London Swaminathan

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Date: 12 June 2019


British Summer Time uploaded in London –  21-
23

Post No. 6538

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Michelangelo , when painting in the Popes chapel the picture of Hell and the souls of the damned , made one of the latter so exact a resemblance of a cardinal who was his enemy, that everyone immediately applied to Pope Clement , desiring it may be effaced; to which te latter replied,

“You know that I have power to deliver a soul out of purgatory, but not out of Hell”.

Xxx

Hole in Pope’s Chair!

New made Popes were formerly seated on a chair with a hole in it, from whence they threw money to the people. The design of this delicate throne was to intimate to the newly elected Pope, that he was subject to the calls of nature like other men.

Xxx

Pope’s “Miracle”

When Sixtus the Fifth aspired to the Popedom he counterfeited old age for fifteen years. During the conclave assembled to elect a new Pope, he leaned upon a crutch and appeared remarkably firm. His plan took so  well that the cardinals elected him, expecting that he would die soon. But shortly after his election,  he performed the “miracle” of his own cure.

Xxx

Christ will be crucified again!

Goethe walking through Rome with a friend, said to him. “There is not a relic of primitive Christianity here; and if Jesus Christ was to return to see what his deputy was about, he would run a far chance of being crucified again.”

Xxx  subham xxx

Judge says, ‘You be Hanged’ and Bishop says ‘You be Damned’ (Post No.6515)

Compiled by London Swaminathan

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Date: 8 June 2019


British Summer Time uploaded in London –  19-06

Post No. 6515

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‘Vat a devil is dat?’ – Handel Angry! (Post No.6331)

COMPILED by LONDON SWAMINATHAN

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Date: 1 May 2019


British Summer Time uploaded in London – 8-58 AM

Post No. 6331

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Mendelssohn ‘s friend Madame Frege sang to him a song with the words,


“Time marches on by night as well as day
And many march by night who fain would stay
Oh that has a dreary sound! The composer cried with a shudder— but it is just what I feel “

He then suddenly rose, as pale as death, and paced the room hurriedly, complaining that his hands were as cold as ice.


He died within a month.

Xxxx

BRAHMS WONDERED!


Robert Fuchs, a reminiscent composer, was present one day when a highly Brahmsian composition of his was played to Brahms, and nearly fainted with embarrassment when the Master, assuming innocent bewilderment, asked him:
“But what piece of mine was that?”

Xxx


STOP THAT TERRIBLE MUSIC


Brahms attended a rehearsal of his clarinet quintet, and was so touched that tears came to his eyes. To cover his emotion he marched across the room, closed the first violin part and growled:
Stop the terrible music!

Xxx


MOZART


When Nietzsche one day observed to Wagner that in Figaro, Mozart had invented the music of intrigue, Wagner replied:
“On the contrary! In Figaro Mozart dissolved the intrigue in music.”

Xxxx

FATHER’S INTERFERENCE

While George Gershwin was at work on the Rhapsody in Blue, his father thrust his head into the room.


“Make it good, George”, he counselled, it might be important.


So, indeed, it proved as Pa Gershwin was able to demonstrate irrefutably to a doubting Thomas.
“Of course it is a great piece ! Doesn’t it take fifteen minutes to play?”

Xxx

MEISTER, MEISTER

Brahms hates to be called Meister /Master or Tonkunstler/ musical artist, for, he contented,
You might as well call me Cobblemaster or Maker of Clay Stoves and have done with it.

Xxx

VAT IS DAT?



The first time the musical instrument called “the Serpent “ was used at a London concert over which the German composer Handel presided, he was so much surprised at the coarseness of its tones that he called out sharply:


“Vat a devil is dat?”
On being informed it was the Serpent, he replied,

“It never can be de serpent vat seduced Eve”.


XXXX SUBHAM XXX



‘I write when the Spirits Command me’ – William Blake (Post No.6040)

Compiled  by London swaminathan

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Date: 6 FEBRUARY 2019
GMT Time uploaded in London – 21-29
Post No. 6040
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William Blake, English mystic, poet and artist, said
I write when commanded by the spirits, and the moment I have written I see the words fly about the room in all directions. It is then published and the spirits can read. My manuscripts are of no further use I have been tempted to burn my manuscripts, but my wife wont let me.

Xxx

Shakespeare Imitation!


At the Garrick Club in London the witty librettist W S Gilbert was once making light of Shakespeare, to the horror of most of those surrounding him.
All right, then, said Gilbert in answer to their protests,
Let us take this passage for example
I would as lief be thrust through a quickest hedge,
As cry Plosh, to a callow throstle

Why that is perfectly clear, insisted one of his hearers, rising to the defence of the bard.
It just means this bird lover would rather get himself all scratched up in the thorny bush than disturb the birds song. What play is the passage from?
No play, said Gilbert, I made it up — and jolly good Shakespeare too.

Xxx


Boileau in presenting a poet to M. d ‘Hemery, addressed him,
Sir, I present to you a person who will give you immortality; but you must give him something to live upon in the meantime.

Xxx

Proof Reading !


On the subject of proof reading some authors are a menace to their publishers,
While others suffer from legitimate grievances. In one such instance the author , Ward Dorance, wrote to his publishers on the subject of proofs of his book,
In all the proof that has reached me windrow has been spelt Window, if, in ,the bound book windrow still appears as window, then neither rain nor hail, nor gloom of night nor fleets of riot squads will prevent me from assassinating the man who is responsible. If the coward hides beyond my finding, I shall step into Scribner’s and merely shoot up the place, Southern style

Xxx

Thomas Hardy

The import of Thomas Hardy’s birth was so little appreciated that he was thrown aside for dead. Presently he must have been so in fact, had not the nurse glancing up from attending the mother, cried out suddenly,
Dead! Stop a minute. He is alive enough sure!

Xxx Subham xxxx

GREEKS SACRIFICED 100 OXEN FOR A DISCOVERY! (Post No.5827)

Compiled by London Swaminathan
swami_48@yahoo.com
Date: 24 December 2018
GMT Time uploaded in London – 20-34
Post No. 5827


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Mathematicians Anecdotes

When the Greek philosophers found that the square root of 2 is not a rational number, they celebrated the victory by sacrificing 100 oxen.

XXx

PASCAL – A born mathematician


Pascal’s genius for geometry began to appear before he was even 12 years old, in the room where he passed his hours of play. He procured a piece of charcoal, and drew diagrams on the floor, trying to make a circle, perfectly round, a triangle with equal sides and angles, a perfect parallelogram and like thing. He discovered all this unaided and then turned his attention to the properties of these figures and their mutual relations and proportions. But as his father had with such great care concealed from him all mathematical works, the poor boy did not even know the names of the figures he drew.

Compelled to make his own definitions he called a circle ‘a round’ and a line a ‘bar’ etc and with these very primitive definitions, proceeded to construct his axioms, till at last he wrought out complete demonstrations!

Step by step he advanced in his studies, one discovery opening the door to another; and so far did he push his researches, that without ever seeing a mathematical work, he got to the thirty second proposition of the book of Euclid.

Xxx

USELESS MATHEMATICIANS!


Edison approached the mathematical aspects of his science with that same practical instinct and native ability that characterised every other phase of his work. He often succeeding in beating the mathematicians on his staff to the draw in search for correct formulae, seeming to arrive at his conclusions through infallible instinct and native genius.

“These mathematicians make me tired”, he often said, “you ask them to work out a sum and they take a piece of paper, cover it with rows of’ ‘a’ s and ‘b’ s and ‘x’ s and’ y’ s. Decorate them with a lot of little numbers, scatter a mess of fly specks around them and then give you an answer that is all wrong!

Xxx

Explorers Anecdotes — KANGAROO!

When Captain Cook discovered Australia, his sailors brought a strange animal aboard ship whose name they did not know. Sent ashore to inquire of the natives, they came back and said,

‘It is a kangaroo’.

Many years passed before it was known when the natives were asked to name the animal and said, ‘Kangaroo’, they meant,

‘What did you say?’

Xxx

·  Robert Falson Scott, the explorer, applied to Lloyd George for assistance in financing of his last and fatal polar expedition. The then Chancellor referred him to a certain wealthy man, also of some prominence in the political scene.

·  How did you succeed? Asked Lloyd George, when the explorer again called on him.

·  “He gave me a thousand pounds” was the reply,” but he has undertaken to raise 20,000 pounds if I can persuade you to come with me, and a million if I can manage to leave you there”.

tags- mathematicians, Explorers, Pascal,Kangaroo

—SUBHAM—