Exaggeration Anecdotes (Post No.5199)

Compiled by London swaminathan

 

Date: 9 JULY 2018

 

Time uploaded in London – 14-08  (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 5199

 

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Mark Twain once asked a baggage handler in the railroad station in Washington,
“Is that satchel strong enough to go in the baggage car?”
The baggage man lifted the grip high above his head and smashed it to the ground with all his might.
That, said he, is what it will get in Philadelphia.
He picked it up and bashed it against the side of the car four or five times.
That is what it will get in Chicago, he continued.
He next threw it high in the air and when it had landed, jumped on it vigorously. It split open and scattered its contents over the platform.
And that is what it will get in Sioux City, you would better take it in the Pullman with you.

Xxx


The Chase National Bank. Operating all over the world, receives from its clients some very strange letters.
A short time ago, a dealer in fur from Australia wrote the following,
Dear Sirs,
“Am sending draft for a thousand pounds, with which please credit my account. Last year I crossed a kangaroo with a raccoon, and now I am raising fur coats with pockets”.

Xxx

Too much Ventilation!

 


Colonel Cody, Buffalo Bill , used to tell the story of an English visitor to the West. While riding The s Rocky Mountain canyon one day, a tremendous gust of wind swooped down and actually carried the English man off the wagon seat. After he had picked himself up and combed the sand and gravel out of his whiskers, he said,
“I say! I think you over do ventilation in the country!”
Xxx

Bill Nye, the humorist, was not given to mild statements. He had the following to say,
We have not  had more to say of the editor of the Sweet waters Gazette. Aside from the fact that he is a squint eyed, consumptive liar with a breath like a buzzard and a record like a convict, we don’t know anything about him. He means well enough, and if he can evade the penitentiary and the vigilance committee for a few more years, there is a chance for him to end his life in a natural way. If he don’t tell the truth a little more plentifully, however the Green River people will rise as one man and churn him up till there won’t be anything left of him but a pair of suspenders and a wart.

Xxxx

 


Bear stories are the stock in trade of the Alaskan sourdoughs.
One-of them told of his encounter with a giant a kadikak monster . He was all of two tons and he riz up and come at me. I didn’t manage to wound him just enough to make him mad. But then my rifle jammed. I headed for the nearest tree, but it only had one limb and that was thirty feet off the ground. I got there not more than a foot ahead of the bear and he took a swat at me as I gathered for the leap. He tore my Britches but didn’t quite getting me so badly I missed the limb.
What happened?
I caught it on my way down
Xxx

Col.John Cremony was a famous western figure and known as a yarn spinner. He told one story of a desperate flight from pursuing Indians,
“I had a fine horse and managed to keep far enough ahead so their arrows couldn’t reach me. I picked them off until my last cartridge was gone. Then I headed up a canyon and I will be doggoned if it didn’t end in a sheer wall I was trapped like a rat with a dozen Apaches closing in on me And me without as much as a penknife to defend myself.
What happened,Colonel?
Why, they killed me! Damn them, sir, they killed me!
Xxx SUBHAM xxx

STINGY AMERICANS (Post No.5195)

Economy & Endurance Anecdotes (Post No.5195)


Written by London swaminathan

 

Date: 8 JULY 2018

 

Time uploaded in London –  9-17 am (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 5195

 

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STINGY ROOSVELT


Shortly before sailing back to England foreign correspondent Quentin Reynolds was received by President Roosevelt in his office at the White House. While he was there the President put through a transatlantic call to another eminent statesman, Winston Churchill.
Mr Reynolds was slightly startled when, after a conversation, the President said
‘I will have to hang up now. My three minutes are up’.

Xxx

STINGY COOLIDGE

A visitor to the Whitehouse during the Coolidge administration said to the President that that he would greatly appreciate the gift of a cigar, not for himself but for a friend who had the eccentricity of collecting cigar bands from famous smokers all over the world .

President Coolidge thought the matter-over for a few seconds, then reached for a box of cigars.
Taking one out he carefully removed the band , replaced the cigar in the box , and handed the band to his visitor .

Xxx

BIG MONEY MAKES YOU STINGY!


At Lobbs, the famous English bootmaker, one day, I saw on the floor a heap of twenty or thirty boots , all needing cobbling badly.
Oh sir, Lobbs explained , these Belong to the best customer I ever had . He used to come in here and order15 or 20 pairs of boots ,
But when his father died he left him some three million dollars.

“Well, sir, since then he has not ordered a single pair of New boots but sends the old ones to be repaired”.
Who is he, Lobbs, I asked.
An American, sir…… his name is Pierpont Morgan
Xxxxx

 
Endurance anecdotes
In the days of the homestead law a prospective settler sought out a lawyer friend and asked him to explain the law and its operations.

I don’t know the exact text of the law, said his friend, but I can give you the draft of it. The government is willing to bet you 160 acres of land against 14 dollar that you can’t live on it five years without starving to death

 

XXX

BUYER SENT HOME!

Much more eccentricity anecdotes

Alfred Stieglitz has always been a highly arbitrary and erratic dealer in paintings . Once, at a show of the work of Georgia O Keefe, a wealthy woman expressed, with a slightly patronising attitude, a desire to purchase a certain picture . Repelled subtly by the woman’s manner Stieglitz snapped,
“Why do you want that painting? Give me some reason why you want it”
The prospective purchaser could think of no satisfactory reason and was refused the picture.

Xxx

 

‘Don’t you know who I am?’

A traffic cop will signal Pop Gershwin to stop. Pop has been exceeding the speed limit, perhaps in the u unconscious belief that the father of the jazz king has rights that even the police force must respect.
Don’t you know who I am? He asks the officer
I am the father of George Gershwin
At the same time, being a New Yorker, he pronounces the first name to rhyme with judge
(The Jewish American pronunciations of George and judge are surprisingly similar)

The officer scratches his head. He doesn’t know every judge in Gotham. Perhaps this judge Gershwin is a big run up in the Bronx. Better to be safe than sorry.

A salute and he  lets Pa Gershwin pass.
Who now can tell Pa that Gershwin isn’t the king?
Xxxx SUBHAM XXX

 

 

Diligence and Discretion Anecdotes (Post No.5181)

Compiled by London swaminathan

 

Date: 4 JULY 2018

 

Time uploaded in London –   11-24 am (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 5181

 

Pictures shown here are taken from various sources such as Facebook friends, Wikipedia, Books, Google and newspapers; thanks. Pictures may be subject to copyright laws.

 
Abe Lincoln’s father was never at a loss for an answer. An old neighbor of Thomas Lincoln was passing the Lincoln farm one day when he saw Abe’s father grubbing some hazelnut bushes and said to him,
“Why, grand pop, I thought you wanted to sell your farm?”

“And so I do”, he replied,” but I am not going to let my farm know it.”

Xxx

 

Clarence Darrow was a hard -working and energetic man. His clothes were often dishevelled. Once he was ragged about this by a group of reporters. He silenced them by saying,
“I go to a better tailor than any of you and pay more money for my clothes. The only difference between us is that you probably don’t sleep in yours”.

Xxxx

Discretion Anecdotes

Pray, said a facetious lady,
Mr Pitt, as you know everything that is moving in the political world tell me some news.
“I am sorry Madam”, said the discreet premier,
“I have not read the newspaper of the day”.
Xxx

Can You Keep a Secret?

Secretary of the Navy Knox, was asked by an old friend some casual question about the movement of certain ships in Atlantic waters. The question was thoughtless and Knox leaned over with an air of confidence and said,
“Look Here, can you keep a secret?”
“Of Course of course” , replied the friend eagerly
“Well, said Knox, so can I”

Xxx

Dullness Anecdotes (Post No.5176)

Compiled by London swaminathan

 

Date: 3 JULY 2018

 

Time uploaded in London –   12-11 (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 5176

 

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Lincoln was told of a profound historian.
“It may be doubted whether any man of our generation has plunged more deeply into the sacred fount of learning”
“Yes or come up drier”, said Lincoln.
Xxx

Great Bore!

One day one of the greatest bores of the Players Club said to Oliver Hereford,
“Oliver, I have been grossly insulted. Just as I passed that group over there I over heard someone say he would give me fifty dollars to resign from the club”.
“Hold out for a hundred, counselled Mr. Herford, you will get it.”

Xxx

 

JOHNSON READY TO WAIT

A gentleman who introduced his brother to Dr Johnson was desirous of recommending him to his notice; which he did by saying,
When we sat together sometime, you will find my brother growing very interesting.”
Sir. Said Dr Johnson
“I can wait”.
Xxx

PIN Without Head or Point

To a very thin man who had been boring him, Douglas Jerold said,
“Sir,you are like a pin, but without either it’s head or it’s point.”
Xxx

 

ARISTOTLE AND CHATTERBOX
An impertinent chatterbox, entertaining Aristotle, the philosopher, with a tedious discourse and observing that he did not much regard him, made an apology, that he was afraid he had interrupted him.

‘No really’, replied the philosopher, ‘you have not interrupted me at all , for I have not minded one word you said’.
Xxx

TIRESOME

Talleyrand was asked if a certain authoress whom he had long since known, but who had belonged rather to the last ag , was not, a little tiresome.
‘Not at all, said he, she was perfectly tiresome’.

Xxx

SLEEPY NOVELS

Sir Walter Scott’s faithful servant Tom said to him one day,
Them are fine novels of yours; they are invaluable to me. When I come home very tired, and take up , one of them , I am asleep directly.

Xxxx

 

Only One Idea!

Speaking of a dull, tiresome fellow whom he chanced to meet, DrJohnson said,
“That fellow seems to possess but one idea, and that is a wrong one”.

Xxx
The modest Joseph Addition was accused by a lady of being dull and heavy in conversation.
Madam, he replied, with great dignity, I have only nine pence in my pocket, but I can draw for a thousand pounds.
Xxxxx  SUBHAM xxx

STUPID MISTAKES IN NEWSPAPERS -ANECDOTES (Post No.5156)

Compiled by LONDON SWAMINATHAN

 

Date: 28 JUNE 2018

 

Time uploaded in London –  8-31 AM (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 5156

 

Pictures shown here are taken from various sources such as Facebook friends, Wikipedia, Books, Google and newspapers; thanks. Pictures may be subject to copyright laws.\

 

 

Boners (STUPID MISTAKES)  anecdotes
A woman whose husband had entered the Navy, gave the pastor of her church a note just as he was mounting to the pulpit one Sunday morning.
The note said “John Anderson, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”
The minister in haste picked up the slip and read aloud,
“John Anderson having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the  congregation for his safely”.

Xxxx


In the early days of his career the famous writer of short stories, Bret Harte, was editor of a newspaper in a California mining town. It was his painful duty one time to write an obituary for the highly respected wife of a leading citizen.
Harte concluded his remarks with the sentence,
“She was distinguished for charity above all the other ladies in this town”.

When the proof of this was handled to him he found that the compositor had rendered his statement,
“She was distinguished for chastity above all the other ladies of this town.”
Carefully, Harte corrected the matter thinking it sufficient to refer the compositor back to the original copy by a large query in the margin .

To his horror the following day the paper appeared with the statement
“She was distinguished for chastity (?) above all the other ladies in this town.”

Xxxx


A freight agent on the Delaware, Lackawanna and Western received a shipment including a donkey, which was itemised on the freight bill as “1 Burro”. He checked over his shipment carefully and then filed his report, concluding with,
“Short, 1 bureau, over 1 jackass”
Xxx

A cub reporter was sent to cover the annual class play of the local high school. Being new to his job he described the event in glowing terms, instead of scant few lines used by a more experienced newspaper man for such an event, and concluded with the words
“And the auditorium was filled with expectant mothers, eagerly waiting their offspring”.
Xxx subham xxx
.

Accuracy and Absent Mindedness Anecdotes (Post No.5143)

Compiled by LONDON SWAMINATHAN

 

Date: 24 JUNE 2018

 

Time uploaded in London –  9-17 am  (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 5143

 

Pictures shown here are taken from various sources such as Facebook friends, Wikipedia, Books, Google and newspapers; thanks. Pictures may be subject to copyright laws.

More Absent mindedness anecdotes

 

Nose, Big Nose!!
When her daughters were very small girls, Mrs Dwight Morrow gave a high tea at which one of the guests was to be the senior JP Morgan.
The girls were to be brought in, introduced and ushered out. Mrs Morrow’s great fear was the possibility that Anne, the most outspoken of them, might comment audibly upon Mr Morgan’s celebrated and conspicuous nose. She therefore took pains to explain to Anne that personal observations were impolite and and to caution her especially against making any comment upon Mr Morgan’s nose, no matter what she thinks of it.
When the moment came and the children were brought in, Mrs Morrow held her breath as she saw Anne’s gaze unfalteringly fix upon this objective and remain there.

Nonetheless, the introduction was made, the little girls curtsied and were sent on their way. With a sigh of relief Mrs Morrow turned back to her duties as hostess and said to her chief guest, “And now, Mr Morgan, will you have cream or lemon in your nose?”

Xxxx

Lungs!
That absent minded professor Schmaltz has left his umbrella again. He would leave his head if it were loose, observed the waiter.
That is true, said the manager, I just heard him say he was going to Switzerland for his lungs.
Xxx

 

Send a wreath for Your Own Death!

The professor was very absent minded;

Did you see this?, his wife asked as he came in.
There is a report in the paper of your death.
“Dear me, said the professor, we must remember to send a wreath”.
Xxx


Forgotten Floor!
You mean to say, asked the judge of the defendant, that you threw your wife out of the second story window through forgetfulness ?
Yes sir, replied the defendant
We used to live on the ground floor and I plumb forgot we moved.
Xxxx

Top Speed! To Unknown Destination!

Thomas Henry Huxley once arrived late in a town in which he was to deliver an important lecture.
Jumping into a cab, he cried to the driver ,”Top speed!”

In a hurry the cabby whipped his horse into action and the vehicle went bumping along the streets at a wild clip. The lack of dignity and organisation in the proceedings then dawned upon Huxley, and above the clatter of the wheels he shouted to the driver,
“Here,here, do you know where I want to go?”
“No, Your Honour, called the cabby, cracking his whip the while, but I am driving as fast as I can.”

Xxxxx

Accuracy anecdotes
Cordell Hull is an extremely cautious speaker, striving always for scientific accuracy. One day on a train, a friend pointed to a fine flock of sheep grazing in a field. Look, those sheep have just been sheared, he said.
Hull studied the flock. Sheared on this side any way, he admitted.

Xxx

Tit for Tat

The captain of a certain freighter was martinet who, although technically just, was noted far and wide, for the strictness of his interpretation of the facts.

On a certain voyage he had a new first mate, an able and conscientious man. Following an of shipboard revelry, the captain entered in the log the note, ‘The first mate was drunk last night’.
Seeing this the mate was greatly distressed and pled with the captain to strike it off the record. He had never been drunk before, he insisted, would not be drunk again; was conscientious in the performance of his duties and had been off duty at the time of the offence anyway.
He begged for leniency, pointing out what an unduly detrimental effect on his record such an entry on the log might have.

 

The captain remained adamant, “you were drunk last night and I cant change the fact. The record will stand’.

 

Much wounded by this the first mate resumed his duties. That night it fell to his lot to make the next entry in the log for a period of his watch. This he did, with what may be called a malicious scrupulousness of accuracy. Accordingly the captain next day found on the log that innocently damning statement, “The captain was sober last night”.
 

–Subham–

Fatness and Drinking Anecdotes (Post No.5110)

 

Compiled by LONDON SWAMINATHAN

 

Date: 14 JUNE 2018

 

Time uploaded in London –  19-56  (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 5110

 

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The English artist C R W Nevinson tells,

“Sisley Huddleston and I were great friends. He was a man of enormous stature.   We have dined and wined together in all parts of Paris, roared with laughter, and teased ‘the girls’.  On one occasion Sisley, Clive Bell and I had eaten chicken and rice and had drunk wine with it.  Being a large man, Sisley had a large appetite.  We took one of those tiny Parisian taxis to Boulevard street St Germain and when we arrived outside we discovered that the rice had swelled so much inside Sisley that it was impossible for him to get out of the door. We pushed and pulled, but he seemed to be growing larger before our eyes; and at length the driver opened the roof, and Sisley came out through that and over the back.  By that time he and I and the driver were so hysterical with merriment that they refused us permission to the Brasserie Lipps in the belief that we were drunk; and Clive Bell who had stood by, shocked and exquisite, was furious because he had a rendezvous there with famous artist Derain.

Xxxx

Too big for the Door!

Years ago, when one of her sons was a cadet at Culver,  Madame Shumann Heink  went to visit him.  She was told where his dormitory was, and wishing to surprise him, she decided to go to his room unannounced.  Arriving at the dormitory she found it to be still under construction.  As she went through a door way, the silver of would caught on her dress and tore a small hole in it. A cadet, who happened to be passing by at that time, called out impudently,

“Madame you should have gone through that door sideways”.

Without taking offence, the heavily built singer laughed heartily,

“Mein got, child, I have no sideways”.

Xxx

Drinking Anecdotes

 

The temperance lecturer, having exhorted the audience with the full force of his eloquence, having demonstrated all the familiar tricks, such as the emersion of an angleworm in a glass of whisky with its consequent agonies, decided to cap the climax with a homely object lesson:

“If I put a pail of whisky and a pail of water in front of a hard-working donkey toiling in the fields, which would he drink?”

 

“The water, bellowed a lusty voice in the audience”.

“That is true, my friend”, said the lecturer.

“And why would he drink water?”

Because he is a jackass, was the immediate reply.

(Jackass= a stupid person or an ass/donkey)

 

Xxx

Let me out

No durance vile could be more pathetic than that suffered by the drunk who was found wandering agonizingly around and around on the sidewalk outside the fence which encloses Gramercy Park, beating upon the bars and screaming, “Let me out”.

Xxx

Two people Remained!

In the days of Nevada was a territory Bill Nye, the humourist was appointed Governor.  So he journeyed to Carson city to take over his duty, and the boys had  gotten together and decided to put the Easterner and his friend in their place by giving them a big banquet and drinking them under the table in short order.  The night of the banquet drinks and speeches flowed unceasingly for hours.  One by one those present slipped gracefully under their chairs and slumbered noisily beneath the tablecloths.

At a small hour of the night only two men were left in a state of consciousness and seated upright—Bill Nye and Mark Twain.

“Well, Bill”, said Twain, stretching and getting up from his chair, “lets go out of here somewhere and Get a drink”

xxx

 

Full, Half, Quarter…. Empty Whiskey Bottle

The representative of an auction house was sent to a home to take an inventory of the goods therein in preparation for a sale. The inventory had progressed in an orderly manner through many large items, such as , one walnut bedroom suite, then listed in detail, and similar items of furnishings.

At the top of this list was one quart scotch whiskey, full, the list continued, then appeared the item, one quart whiskey, partially full. The list continued; then appeared the item, one whiskey bottle, empty.

The final item on the list was, two revolving Turkish rugs!

XXX  SUBHAM XXX

 

 

 

More Loans and Banks Anecdotes (Post No.4980)

Compiled by London Swaminathan 

 

Date: 5 May 2018

 

Time uploaded in London – 9-02 am (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 4980

 

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Written by London Swaminathan 

 

Date: 5 May 2018

 

Time uploaded in London – 8-32 am (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 4980

 

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WARNING: PLEASE SHARE MY ARTICLES; BUT DON’T SHARE IT WITHOUT AUTHOR’S NAME AND THE BLOG NAME. BE HONEST; OTHERS WILL BE HONEST WITH YOU

  
It is said that Henry Clay once asked the Riggs Bank for a 250 dollar loan on his personal note There was no reflection upon his credit , the bank replied, but it was a necessary formality in connection with this particular institution to have an endorser
Clay happened upon Daniel Webster and asked him if he would be kind enough to indorse for him.
Certainly, said Webster, but look here, I need some money myself. Why not make the note dollars and you and I will split it.
This was done, and to this day the note is in the Riggs Bank, unpaid.
Xxxx

  

Cicero and Cato

According to Cicero, when Cato (Roman Statesman 95 BCE) was asked what was the most profitable feature of an estate, he replied
Raising cattle success fully;
What next to that?
Raising cattle with fair success.
And next?
Raising cattle with but slight success
And fourth?
Raising crops.
And when his questioner said, How about money lending?
Cato replied, How about murder?

Xxxx

Chicago Bank Directors


A stranger in Chicago, a New Yorker ,stopped a little boy and asked him the way to Fifth National Bank, adding, Direct me there, son, I will give you a dollar.
Suppressing a grin the boy replied,
Ok boss, just follow me.
About half a block farther, the boy stopped and pointed to building nearest to them
Here you are, sir.
The man chagrined by his gullibility handed the boy the dollar but couldn’t help saying, That certainly was an easily earned dollar
That is right, said the boy, but don’t forget that bank directors in Chicago are highly paid.

Xxx

 

More Vice Presidents!

A man working as a teller in a bank bumped into an old friend of his one day.
Seeing that the bank teller seemed very preoccupied, the friend said,
What is the matter with you?
Well, there’s a lot of trouble down at the bank. We are going through a complete reorganisation
Why?
It seems we had more Vice presidents than depositors, replied the bank teller as he walked away.

Xxxx  SUBHAM xxx

MEN ARE SCOUNDRELS- ANECDOTES! (Post No.4958)

Compiled by London Swaminathan 

 

Date: 28 APRIL 2018

 

Time uploaded in London – 16-36 (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 4958

 

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BEHAVIOUR AND EATING ANECDOTES

GEORGE CHEYNE, A SCOTCH PHYSICIAN, WHEN A PERSON WAS TALKING ABOUT THE EXCELLENCE OF HUMAN NATURE, EXCLAIMED:

“HOOT, HOOT, MAN!

HUMAN NATURE IS A ROGUE AND A SCOUNDREL, OR WHY SHOULD IT PERPETUALLY STAND IN NEED OF LAWS AND OF RELIGION”

 

XXX

 

EATING

At a certain dinner party Daniel Webster found himself preyed upon by hat type of hostess who endlessly and mercilessly worries her guests with the insistence that they are not eating enough, that possibly they do not like this or that, will they not have more, is there anything else they would prefer, and so forth.

 

“You are hardly eating a thing, Mr Webster”, she protested for the umpteenth time.

“Madam”, said Webster solemnly, “permit me to assure you that I sometimes eat more than at other times but never less”.

 

xxx

 

Time to eat!

Bishop Davidson of Winchester was once one of a party of ecclesiastics who went into dinner after a religious conference. One of the others observed in a tone of pompous self-righteousness, “This is the time to put a bridle on our appetites”.

No, returned the bishop, “this is the time to put a bit in our mouths”.

 

xxx

Why did I come to Africa?

 

“Why did I come to Africa?” Cecil Rhodes once remarked to a friend, “Well they will tell you that I came on account of my health or from love of adventure – and to some extent that may be true, but the real fact is that I could no longer stand their eternal cold mutton”.

 

xxx

Strawberries and Prunes!

In his early boarding-house days, in Kansas city, Eugene Field was invited to dine at a hospitable house where the best of everything was to be found. Some delicious strawberries were passed. Filed gazed at them longingly but shook his head.

“Why, Mr Field”, said his host in surprise, “ don’t you like strawberries?”

I dote on them.

Then why don’t you take some?

“I am afraid”, said the poet sadly, “that if I did, they would spoil my appetite for prunes”.

xxx

Charles Lamb

Thomas Hood, tempting Charles Lamb to dine with his said, “We have a hare”.

“Ad how many friends”, anxiously inquired Lamb.

 

xxx

Alfred Hitchcock

Alfred Hitchcock is a man notably fond of food. He is said to have once been a guest at a rather sparsely furnished dinner table, which had yielded him no more than a small portion of one thing or another amounting to a totally unsatisfactory sum. As the coffee was being brought in, his host said, “I do hope that you will soon dine here again”.

“By all means”, said Hitchcock. “Let us start now”

–Subham–

Poor Preacher, Baptist Fish, Fool’s Signature- More Interesting Anecdotes (Post No.4866)

Poor Preacher, Baptist Fish, Fool’s Signature- More Interesting Anecdotes (Post No.4866)

 


COMPILED by London Swaminathan 

 

Date: 30 MARCH 2018

 

Time uploaded in London –  7-45 am (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 4866

 

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Poor Preacher!

Jerome D.Engel, the famous Baptist preacher, was once vacationing at a well -known shore resort. One of the local churches had expected to have its pulpit filled on Sunday morning by a “supply” or visiting minister. At the last minute, the visitor was unable to appear, and the church found itself with no one to conduct the services.

 

The leaders of the church scurried around distractedly in search of a preacher, and were unable to find anyone. At last to chancing to hear of the presence in town of the eminent divine, one of the church members sought out Engel and begged for his

services.

 

Delighted and relieved, the committeeman said, “You know, Dr Engel, we’d have been willing to accept a poorer preacher, but it was impossible to find one.”

 

xxx

Fool’s Signature

Reverend Henry Ward Beecher entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it and contained the single word, “Fool”. Quietly and with becoming seriousness he announced to the congregation the fact in these words:

“I have known many an instance of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter”.

 

xxx

 

More Repentance!!

 

xxx Bursting with her news, Mrs Meadows hurried to her neighbour’s house.

 

Have you heard, Mrs Smith? The minister’s son has decided to become a jockey. Of course you know that he was supposed to go to the Theological Seminary this year.

 

Mrs Smith, more of the woman of the world than her friend, replied drily,

Well, I must say that he will bring a lot more people to repentance that way than he would as a minister.

 

xxx

 

Baptist Fish

Jerome D Engel, the famous Southern Baptist divine, was strolling along the sea walk during a Church Convention at Charleston. He came upon an old colored man who was fishing from the pier. For some time Engel watched the Negro patiently waiting for a bite. At last he pulled in a fish of repulsive appearance, seeming to be something between a toad and a bullhead. Knowing little about so worldly a matter as fishing, Engle asked,

What kind of fish is that, George?

“Dey call it a Baptist fish”, croaked the old man.

“A Baptist Fish? inquired Engle sceptically.

“Sho”, answered the fisherman, throwing his catch back into the sea,

“ Dey calls dem dat ‘cause dey spoils so fast after dey is taken out of water”.

 

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Specifications of a Good Minister!

The Reverend Doctor Edgar Dewitt Jones propounded the specifications of a good minister (preacher):

“He should get religion like a Methodist;

experience it like a Baptist;

be sure of it like a Disciple;

stick to it like a Lutheran;

pray for it like a Presbyterian;

conciliate it like a Congregationalist;

glorify it like a Jew;

be proud of it like an Episcopalian;

practise it like a Christian Scientist;

propagate it like a Roman Catholic;

work for it like a Salvation Army lassie;

enjoy it like a colored man.”

 

–Subham–