University and College Anecdotes (Post No.5613)

 

COMPILED by London Swaminathan

swami_48@yahoo.com

Date: 1 November 2018

GMT Time uploaded in London – 17-43

Post No. 5613

Pictures shown here are taken from various sources including google, Wikipedia, Facebook friends and newspapers. This is a non- commercial blog

GREATNESS OF HARVARD

Dr Charles W Eliot, the eminent educator of Harvard whose fate it has been to be dubiously immortalised by a five foot shelf of books, was once asked how Harvard had gained its prestige as the greatest storehouse of knowledge in the nation.

In all likelihood , said Dr Eliot slyly, it is because the freshmen bring us so much of it, and the seniors take away so little.

Xxx

 

SAVE OUR TOBACCO
Attorney General Seymour of Virginia snorted at the establishment of William and Mary College, which was founded not only to inculcate learning but to save souls? He cried.

Damn your souls. Make tobacco.

Xxx

COW AND COLLEGE

Sir William B—, being at a parish meeting, made certain proposals which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, Sir, said he to the farmer, do you know, sir, that I have been at two universities, and at two colleges in each university?

Well, sir, said the farmer, what o’ that? I had a calf that sucked two kye, an’ the observation I made was, the mair he sucked the greater calf he grew.

Xxx

100 years to make an oak tree!
When James A. Garfield was president of Hiram College a man brought up his son to be entered as a student. He wanted the boy to take a course shorter than the regular one.

My son can never take all those studies, said the father.
He wants to get through more quickly. Can’t you arrange it for him?
Oh, yes, said Mr Garfield, He can take a short course: it all depends on what you want to make of him. When god wants to make an oak he takes a hundred years, but he only takes two months to make a squash.

Xxx

ADVENTURE OF A TOURIST GUIDE
A guide, New at his business, was showing a group of tourists around Oxford. Conscientiously, he pointed out all the places of interest. Coming in front of one of the buildings he paused and said,
‘And this is Trinity Hall, where the president of the college, the famous Benjamin Jowett, lives.’
Glancing around at the upturned faces, the guide then stooped and picked up a handful of gravel and threw it at a second story window. A red faced and a furious man opened the window almost immediately and peered out.

And that is president Jowett himself, said the guide in a tone of voice as though he had just completed a task well done.

Xxx

MISS

Hendrik Willem Von Loon was visiting Cambridge.
That, said someone who was showing him around the university, is Miss Jones, pointing to a formidable looking female striding along before them. She is the mistress of Ridsley Hall.

Who, asked Von Loon, is Ridsley Hall?

Xxx Subham xxx

My Great grandfather was a Baboon! Dumas outburst! (Post No.5497)

Compiled by London Swaminathan
swami_48@yahoo.com
Date: 2 October 2018

 

Time uploaded in London – 7-40 am (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 5497

 

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Family and Children Anecdotes 

 
The elder Dumas (Alexander Dumas) was once interviewed by an enterprising reporter, who, like many other admirers of the novelist, was curious about his ancestry.
Is it true that you are a quadroon Mr Dumas? He asked.

I am, sir, Mr Dumas replied .
So your father….?
Was a mulatto
And your grandfather?
Was a negro.
Dumas patience was running out but the reporter was a bold man and continued,
May I inquire who your great grandfather was?
A baboon, sir! Thundered Dumas .
A baboon! My ancestry begins where your ends!

quad·roon

/kwäˈdro͞on/

noun

  • a person who is one-quarter black by descent.

 

mu·lat·to

/m(y)o͝oˈlädō/

noun

  • a person of mixed white and black ancestry, especially a person with one white and one black parent.

Ne·gro

/ˈnēɡrō/

noun

  • a member of a dark-skinned group of peoples originally native to Africa south of the Sahara.

adjective

  • relating to black people.

ba·boon

/baˈbo͞on/

noun

  • a large Old World ground-dwelling monkey with a long doglike snout, large teeth, and naked callosities on the buttocks. Baboons are social animals and live in troops.

Xxx

 

Marrk Twain’s Ancestors

The story is told that Mark Twain was once a guest of an English man who took him, with some pride, into a manorial hall hung with a huge tapestry depicting the King Charles the First. The host placed his fingers with great pride upon the figure of one of the obscure clerks of the court and said ‘ An ancestor of mine ‘.
Twain, always offended by such ostentation, casually put his finger upon one of the judges seated on the tribunal and remarked,
An ancestor of mine but it is no matter , I have others.

Xxx

May Flower Ship

To a man who had proudly said,
My ancestors came over in the Mayflower, Will Rogers retorted,
My ancestors were waiting on the beach

Xxx

Mark Twain, whenever confronted by people who were haughty about their ancestry, was fond of saying,
My grand father was cut down in the prime of his life. My grandmother always used to say that if he had been cut down fifteen minutes earlier, he could have been resuscitated.

Xxxx

Two Irishmen

Children Anecdotes
Two Irish men were discussing their families. One was boasting about his seven sons, that he had never had any trouble with any of them.

“Yes, indade, he said, they’re just the finest boys in the world. An’ would you believe it, I niivver laid violent hand s on any one of them except in self defence”.

Xxx

 

Boiled eggs please!

Babies Anecdotes

Mrs K, after expressing her love for her children added tenderly,
And how do you like babies, Mr Lamb?
His answer, immediate, almost precipitate, was
B- b- boiled, Madame

Xxx

Great man Walt Whitman
When a baby in a crowded Washington horse car was screaming, Walt Whitman took it from its mother, into his own arms; the infant stared at him a long time, then snuggled against him and fell asleep. Presently the conductor got off the car to get his supper, and Whitman acted as conductor the rest of the trip, still holding the sleeping baby.

Xxx

Snoring Actress!

Eleanore Duse, the great actress, once offered to look after the year old baby of some friends while the family went for a walk.

What will you do if she cries? They asked.

Do? I will sing to her, said the resourceful Duse
I have lots of tricks to entertain babies .
When the parents returned, they found the baby sitting quietly in her carriage, her eyes fixed with a hypnotic stare upon the sofa. There lay the great actress, her head drooping, her mouth open, her eyes shut. She was snoring — regularly , sonorously snoring.

Slowly she opened her eyes
Sh! She said. If I stop for a second, she will cry .
Then she explained,
I sang for her; I danced for her; I made faces at her; I acted the whole of Paolo and Francesca, to her and she hated it all. But the snoring— from the first faint sign — she loved it.

 

xxx

Cross Breed is dangerous! Bernard Shaw

I posted 15 anecdotes from the life of Bernard Shaw. Following children anecdote was one of them:-

 

1.Children

 

There is a legend about the fervent message Bernard Shaw received from Isadora Duncan expressing the opinion that by every eugenics principle they should have a child.

“Think what a child it would be”, she said, “with my body and your brain.”

Shaw sent the following response, discouraging the preposition, “Think how unfortunate it would be if the child were to have my body and your brain.”

Xxx subham xxxx

More Banquets and Dinners Anecdotes (Post No.5426)

Picture of Sam Rogers

Compiled by London Swaminathan

 

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Date: 13 September 2018

 

Time uploaded in London – 13-19 (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 5426

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At the dinner-parties which the poet Sam Rogers (English Poet) gave, he started the custom of having no candles on the table, all the lights being attached to the walls and ceiling. This novelty created quite a buzz of comment in London society. While Sydney Smith was dining with Rogers one evening, the host asked him to say what he thought of the illumination of the table. “For my part, I don’t fancy it at all, Rogers, returned the candid guest. It is too uncomfortably like the Day of Judgement. Here we are, a flood of light on all above, and below nothing but darkness and gnashing of teeth.”

Xxx

Lord Holland Statue in London
It is said of Charles Fox that from infancy to manhood it was the practice of his father, Lord Holland, to show him the most unlimited indulgence. The following story is told in proof of it.

Master Charles, when six or seven years of age, one day strolled into the kitchen ; and while dinner was cooking, and a pig roasting at the fire, he amused himself with making water upon the unresisisting porker it was a standing order of the house to contradict him on nothing, so there was nothing to be done- but to let the pig be so basted. The cook, however, thought it fair to give the guests warning of the sauce to it, which he did sending up the following lines upon a label in its mouth.


If strong and savoury I do taste
Tis with the liquor that did me baste
While at the fire I foamed and hissed
A Fox cub upon me
.
Xxxx
Gossip Anecdotes


‘How this world is inclined to slander’, said a maiden lady to an English noble man.
‘Can you believe it, sir, some of my malicious acquaintances reported that I had twins’.

‘Madam, I make it a rule to believe’ only half of what I hear!’ replied his lordship.

Xx

Mrs Graham Bill Vanderbilt had been displeased by a number of things which the late Maury Paul had written about her in his ‘Cholly Knickerbocker’ column.
Upon meeting him one time at a nightclub, she said,
‘You are a rude and scurrilous man’.
Yes, confessed Paul, ‘I am. But I would rather make a living that way than by selling bonds’.

 

Mrs Vanderbilt

Xxx

Once when Madame de Stael, was praising the British Constitution, Talleyrand explained in an aside,
‘Above all she admires the habeas corpus’.

Xxx
The society gossip purveyor, Maury H.B.Paul , had been writing in a number of familiar and impertinent items about Mrs Cornelius Vanderbilt for many years. Then one day Vincent Astor unexpectedly introduced Paul to the mighty lady.

With a gasp he said,’ I am not really the disreputable person you think I am, Mrs Vanderbilt’ .
Mrs Vanderbilt replied, ‘My dear Mr Paul from what you have been writing about me, I was under the impression that you thought I was the disreputable person’.

Xxxx Subham xxx

Parties Anecdotes (Post No.5380)

Image of William III of England

COMPILED BY LONDON SWAMINATHAN

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Date: 31 August 2018

 

Time uploaded in London – 16-10 (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 5380

 

Pictures shown here are taken from various sources including google, Wikipedia, Facebook friends and newspapers. This is a non- commercial blog.

 

At Dinner one day Douglas Jerrold was forced to listen to a noisy argument between an admirer of Prince of Orange and a henchman of William III. Having exhausted the political issues of the debate, they entered upon the personal phases of the question. One of the arguers finally brought his fist down on the table and exclaimed,

Bah! to you sir; I spit upon your Prince of Orange.

The other, determined not to be outdone, rose to his feet and screamed, “And I Sir, spit upon your King William!”

Hereupon, Jerrold unable to endure the racket longer, rang the bell and shouted to the waiter, “Here, boy – spittoons for two!”

 

Dictionary meaning:–

spit·toon

/spiˈto͞on/

noun

  • a metal or earthenware pot typically having a funnel-shaped top, used for spitting into.

 

Image of Prince of Orange

XXX
Thomas Alva Edison was once reluctantly persuaded by his wife to attend one of the brilliant social functions of the season in New York.
At last the inventor managed to escape the lionizers who had crowded about his, and sat alone unnoticed in a corner. Edison kept looking at his watch with a resigned expression on his face. A friend edged near to him unnoticed and heard the inventor mutter to himself with a sigh,
‘If there were only a dog here’!

Xxx

Oliver Wendell Holmes, having been at an afternoon tea, authoritatively defined such functions for all time as,
‘Giggle. Gabble. Gobble. Git’

Xxxx

Dorothy Parker once attended a party at which the greater number of people Seemed to be the rankings of Bohemia. Her companion said to her,
Where on earth do these people come from and where do they stay the rest of the time?
I think, Miss Parker said thoughtfully, after it is o over they crawl back into the woodwork.

 

DICTIoNARY MEANING:

Bo·he·mi·an

(bō-hē′mē-ən)

n.

1.

  1. A native or inhabitant of Bohemia.
  2. A person of Bohemian ancestry.
  3. The Czech dialects of Bohemia.

3.

  1. ArchaicA Romani person.
  2. An itinerant person; a vagabond.

Xxx


Dorothy Parker (American poet, writer, satirist)  completely bored by a country weekend, wired a friend,
Please send me a loaf bread — and enclose a saw and file.

 

XXX

‘I have had a wonderful evening’, said
Groucho Marx to his hostess as he was leaving a dull Hollywood party, ‘but this was not it’.

Xxx

Once, it is said, Margot Asquith gave a party in London — a big party. She received the guests with graciousness, set them spinning into the rhythm of pleasure and then retired to an upper room to play bridge.

Next day, a well meaning, but tactless woman fluttered up to her in a restaurant and said,
Oh, Lady Asquith, I was at your party last night,
‘Thank God, I wasn’t’, answered Margot, and moved on.

Xxx subham xxx

 

Exaggeration Anecdotes (Post No.5199)

Compiled by London swaminathan

 

Date: 9 JULY 2018

 

Time uploaded in London – 14-08  (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 5199

 

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Mark Twain once asked a baggage handler in the railroad station in Washington,
“Is that satchel strong enough to go in the baggage car?”
The baggage man lifted the grip high above his head and smashed it to the ground with all his might.
That, said he, is what it will get in Philadelphia.
He picked it up and bashed it against the side of the car four or five times.
That is what it will get in Chicago, he continued.
He next threw it high in the air and when it had landed, jumped on it vigorously. It split open and scattered its contents over the platform.
And that is what it will get in Sioux City, you would better take it in the Pullman with you.

Xxx


The Chase National Bank. Operating all over the world, receives from its clients some very strange letters.
A short time ago, a dealer in fur from Australia wrote the following,
Dear Sirs,
“Am sending draft for a thousand pounds, with which please credit my account. Last year I crossed a kangaroo with a raccoon, and now I am raising fur coats with pockets”.

Xxx

Too much Ventilation!

 


Colonel Cody, Buffalo Bill , used to tell the story of an English visitor to the West. While riding The s Rocky Mountain canyon one day, a tremendous gust of wind swooped down and actually carried the English man off the wagon seat. After he had picked himself up and combed the sand and gravel out of his whiskers, he said,
“I say! I think you over do ventilation in the country!”
Xxx

Bill Nye, the humorist, was not given to mild statements. He had the following to say,
We have not  had more to say of the editor of the Sweet waters Gazette. Aside from the fact that he is a squint eyed, consumptive liar with a breath like a buzzard and a record like a convict, we don’t know anything about him. He means well enough, and if he can evade the penitentiary and the vigilance committee for a few more years, there is a chance for him to end his life in a natural way. If he don’t tell the truth a little more plentifully, however the Green River people will rise as one man and churn him up till there won’t be anything left of him but a pair of suspenders and a wart.

Xxxx

 


Bear stories are the stock in trade of the Alaskan sourdoughs.
One-of them told of his encounter with a giant a kadikak monster . He was all of two tons and he riz up and come at me. I didn’t manage to wound him just enough to make him mad. But then my rifle jammed. I headed for the nearest tree, but it only had one limb and that was thirty feet off the ground. I got there not more than a foot ahead of the bear and he took a swat at me as I gathered for the leap. He tore my Britches but didn’t quite getting me so badly I missed the limb.
What happened?
I caught it on my way down
Xxx

Col.John Cremony was a famous western figure and known as a yarn spinner. He told one story of a desperate flight from pursuing Indians,
“I had a fine horse and managed to keep far enough ahead so their arrows couldn’t reach me. I picked them off until my last cartridge was gone. Then I headed up a canyon and I will be doggoned if it didn’t end in a sheer wall I was trapped like a rat with a dozen Apaches closing in on me And me without as much as a penknife to defend myself.
What happened,Colonel?
Why, they killed me! Damn them, sir, they killed me!
Xxx SUBHAM xxx

STINGY AMERICANS (Post No.5195)

Economy & Endurance Anecdotes (Post No.5195)


Written by London swaminathan

 

Date: 8 JULY 2018

 

Time uploaded in London –  9-17 am (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 5195

 

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STINGY ROOSVELT


Shortly before sailing back to England foreign correspondent Quentin Reynolds was received by President Roosevelt in his office at the White House. While he was there the President put through a transatlantic call to another eminent statesman, Winston Churchill.
Mr Reynolds was slightly startled when, after a conversation, the President said
‘I will have to hang up now. My three minutes are up’.

Xxx

STINGY COOLIDGE

A visitor to the Whitehouse during the Coolidge administration said to the President that that he would greatly appreciate the gift of a cigar, not for himself but for a friend who had the eccentricity of collecting cigar bands from famous smokers all over the world .

President Coolidge thought the matter-over for a few seconds, then reached for a box of cigars.
Taking one out he carefully removed the band , replaced the cigar in the box , and handed the band to his visitor .

Xxx

BIG MONEY MAKES YOU STINGY!


At Lobbs, the famous English bootmaker, one day, I saw on the floor a heap of twenty or thirty boots , all needing cobbling badly.
Oh sir, Lobbs explained , these Belong to the best customer I ever had . He used to come in here and order15 or 20 pairs of boots ,
But when his father died he left him some three million dollars.

“Well, sir, since then he has not ordered a single pair of New boots but sends the old ones to be repaired”.
Who is he, Lobbs, I asked.
An American, sir…… his name is Pierpont Morgan
Xxxxx

 
Endurance anecdotes
In the days of the homestead law a prospective settler sought out a lawyer friend and asked him to explain the law and its operations.

I don’t know the exact text of the law, said his friend, but I can give you the draft of it. The government is willing to bet you 160 acres of land against 14 dollar that you can’t live on it five years without starving to death

 

XXX

BUYER SENT HOME!

Much more eccentricity anecdotes

Alfred Stieglitz has always been a highly arbitrary and erratic dealer in paintings . Once, at a show of the work of Georgia O Keefe, a wealthy woman expressed, with a slightly patronising attitude, a desire to purchase a certain picture . Repelled subtly by the woman’s manner Stieglitz snapped,
“Why do you want that painting? Give me some reason why you want it”
The prospective purchaser could think of no satisfactory reason and was refused the picture.

Xxx

 

‘Don’t you know who I am?’

A traffic cop will signal Pop Gershwin to stop. Pop has been exceeding the speed limit, perhaps in the u unconscious belief that the father of the jazz king has rights that even the police force must respect.
Don’t you know who I am? He asks the officer
I am the father of George Gershwin
At the same time, being a New Yorker, he pronounces the first name to rhyme with judge
(The Jewish American pronunciations of George and judge are surprisingly similar)

The officer scratches his head. He doesn’t know every judge in Gotham. Perhaps this judge Gershwin is a big run up in the Bronx. Better to be safe than sorry.

A salute and he  lets Pa Gershwin pass.
Who now can tell Pa that Gershwin isn’t the king?
Xxxx SUBHAM XXX

 

 

Diligence and Discretion Anecdotes (Post No.5181)

Compiled by London swaminathan

 

Date: 4 JULY 2018

 

Time uploaded in London –   11-24 am (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 5181

 

Pictures shown here are taken from various sources such as Facebook friends, Wikipedia, Books, Google and newspapers; thanks. Pictures may be subject to copyright laws.

 
Abe Lincoln’s father was never at a loss for an answer. An old neighbor of Thomas Lincoln was passing the Lincoln farm one day when he saw Abe’s father grubbing some hazelnut bushes and said to him,
“Why, grand pop, I thought you wanted to sell your farm?”

“And so I do”, he replied,” but I am not going to let my farm know it.”

Xxx

 

Clarence Darrow was a hard -working and energetic man. His clothes were often dishevelled. Once he was ragged about this by a group of reporters. He silenced them by saying,
“I go to a better tailor than any of you and pay more money for my clothes. The only difference between us is that you probably don’t sleep in yours”.

Xxxx

Discretion Anecdotes

Pray, said a facetious lady,
Mr Pitt, as you know everything that is moving in the political world tell me some news.
“I am sorry Madam”, said the discreet premier,
“I have not read the newspaper of the day”.
Xxx

Can You Keep a Secret?

Secretary of the Navy Knox, was asked by an old friend some casual question about the movement of certain ships in Atlantic waters. The question was thoughtless and Knox leaned over with an air of confidence and said,
“Look Here, can you keep a secret?”
“Of Course of course” , replied the friend eagerly
“Well, said Knox, so can I”

Xxx

Dullness Anecdotes (Post No.5176)

Compiled by London swaminathan

 

Date: 3 JULY 2018

 

Time uploaded in London –   12-11 (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 5176

 

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Lincoln was told of a profound historian.
“It may be doubted whether any man of our generation has plunged more deeply into the sacred fount of learning”
“Yes or come up drier”, said Lincoln.
Xxx

Great Bore!

One day one of the greatest bores of the Players Club said to Oliver Hereford,
“Oliver, I have been grossly insulted. Just as I passed that group over there I over heard someone say he would give me fifty dollars to resign from the club”.
“Hold out for a hundred, counselled Mr. Herford, you will get it.”

Xxx

 

JOHNSON READY TO WAIT

A gentleman who introduced his brother to Dr Johnson was desirous of recommending him to his notice; which he did by saying,
When we sat together sometime, you will find my brother growing very interesting.”
Sir. Said Dr Johnson
“I can wait”.
Xxx

PIN Without Head or Point

To a very thin man who had been boring him, Douglas Jerold said,
“Sir,you are like a pin, but without either it’s head or it’s point.”
Xxx

 

ARISTOTLE AND CHATTERBOX
An impertinent chatterbox, entertaining Aristotle, the philosopher, with a tedious discourse and observing that he did not much regard him, made an apology, that he was afraid he had interrupted him.

‘No really’, replied the philosopher, ‘you have not interrupted me at all , for I have not minded one word you said’.
Xxx

TIRESOME

Talleyrand was asked if a certain authoress whom he had long since known, but who had belonged rather to the last ag , was not, a little tiresome.
‘Not at all, said he, she was perfectly tiresome’.

Xxx

SLEEPY NOVELS

Sir Walter Scott’s faithful servant Tom said to him one day,
Them are fine novels of yours; they are invaluable to me. When I come home very tired, and take up , one of them , I am asleep directly.

Xxxx

 

Only One Idea!

Speaking of a dull, tiresome fellow whom he chanced to meet, DrJohnson said,
“That fellow seems to possess but one idea, and that is a wrong one”.

Xxx
The modest Joseph Addition was accused by a lady of being dull and heavy in conversation.
Madam, he replied, with great dignity, I have only nine pence in my pocket, but I can draw for a thousand pounds.
Xxxxx  SUBHAM xxx

STUPID MISTAKES IN NEWSPAPERS -ANECDOTES (Post No.5156)

Compiled by LONDON SWAMINATHAN

 

Date: 28 JUNE 2018

 

Time uploaded in London –  8-31 AM (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 5156

 

Pictures shown here are taken from various sources such as Facebook friends, Wikipedia, Books, Google and newspapers; thanks. Pictures may be subject to copyright laws.\

 

 

Boners (STUPID MISTAKES)  anecdotes
A woman whose husband had entered the Navy, gave the pastor of her church a note just as he was mounting to the pulpit one Sunday morning.
The note said “John Anderson, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”
The minister in haste picked up the slip and read aloud,
“John Anderson having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the  congregation for his safely”.

Xxxx


In the early days of his career the famous writer of short stories, Bret Harte, was editor of a newspaper in a California mining town. It was his painful duty one time to write an obituary for the highly respected wife of a leading citizen.
Harte concluded his remarks with the sentence,
“She was distinguished for charity above all the other ladies in this town”.

When the proof of this was handled to him he found that the compositor had rendered his statement,
“She was distinguished for chastity above all the other ladies of this town.”
Carefully, Harte corrected the matter thinking it sufficient to refer the compositor back to the original copy by a large query in the margin .

To his horror the following day the paper appeared with the statement
“She was distinguished for chastity (?) above all the other ladies in this town.”

Xxxx


A freight agent on the Delaware, Lackawanna and Western received a shipment including a donkey, which was itemised on the freight bill as “1 Burro”. He checked over his shipment carefully and then filed his report, concluding with,
“Short, 1 bureau, over 1 jackass”
Xxx

A cub reporter was sent to cover the annual class play of the local high school. Being new to his job he described the event in glowing terms, instead of scant few lines used by a more experienced newspaper man for such an event, and concluded with the words
“And the auditorium was filled with expectant mothers, eagerly waiting their offspring”.
Xxx subham xxx
.

Accuracy and Absent Mindedness Anecdotes (Post No.5143)

Compiled by LONDON SWAMINATHAN

 

Date: 24 JUNE 2018

 

Time uploaded in London –  9-17 am  (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 5143

 

Pictures shown here are taken from various sources such as Facebook friends, Wikipedia, Books, Google and newspapers; thanks. Pictures may be subject to copyright laws.

More Absent mindedness anecdotes

 

Nose, Big Nose!!
When her daughters were very small girls, Mrs Dwight Morrow gave a high tea at which one of the guests was to be the senior JP Morgan.
The girls were to be brought in, introduced and ushered out. Mrs Morrow’s great fear was the possibility that Anne, the most outspoken of them, might comment audibly upon Mr Morgan’s celebrated and conspicuous nose. She therefore took pains to explain to Anne that personal observations were impolite and and to caution her especially against making any comment upon Mr Morgan’s nose, no matter what she thinks of it.
When the moment came and the children were brought in, Mrs Morrow held her breath as she saw Anne’s gaze unfalteringly fix upon this objective and remain there.

Nonetheless, the introduction was made, the little girls curtsied and were sent on their way. With a sigh of relief Mrs Morrow turned back to her duties as hostess and said to her chief guest, “And now, Mr Morgan, will you have cream or lemon in your nose?”

Xxxx

Lungs!
That absent minded professor Schmaltz has left his umbrella again. He would leave his head if it were loose, observed the waiter.
That is true, said the manager, I just heard him say he was going to Switzerland for his lungs.
Xxx

 

Send a wreath for Your Own Death!

The professor was very absent minded;

Did you see this?, his wife asked as he came in.
There is a report in the paper of your death.
“Dear me, said the professor, we must remember to send a wreath”.
Xxx


Forgotten Floor!
You mean to say, asked the judge of the defendant, that you threw your wife out of the second story window through forgetfulness ?
Yes sir, replied the defendant
We used to live on the ground floor and I plumb forgot we moved.
Xxxx

Top Speed! To Unknown Destination!

Thomas Henry Huxley once arrived late in a town in which he was to deliver an important lecture.
Jumping into a cab, he cried to the driver ,”Top speed!”

In a hurry the cabby whipped his horse into action and the vehicle went bumping along the streets at a wild clip. The lack of dignity and organisation in the proceedings then dawned upon Huxley, and above the clatter of the wheels he shouted to the driver,
“Here,here, do you know where I want to go?”
“No, Your Honour, called the cabby, cracking his whip the while, but I am driving as fast as I can.”

Xxxxx

Accuracy anecdotes
Cordell Hull is an extremely cautious speaker, striving always for scientific accuracy. One day on a train, a friend pointed to a fine flock of sheep grazing in a field. Look, those sheep have just been sheared, he said.
Hull studied the flock. Sheared on this side any way, he admitted.

Xxx

Tit for Tat

The captain of a certain freighter was martinet who, although technically just, was noted far and wide, for the strictness of his interpretation of the facts.

On a certain voyage he had a new first mate, an able and conscientious man. Following an of shipboard revelry, the captain entered in the log the note, ‘The first mate was drunk last night’.
Seeing this the mate was greatly distressed and pled with the captain to strike it off the record. He had never been drunk before, he insisted, would not be drunk again; was conscientious in the performance of his duties and had been off duty at the time of the offence anyway.
He begged for leniency, pointing out what an unduly detrimental effect on his record such an entry on the log might have.

 

The captain remained adamant, “you were drunk last night and I cant change the fact. The record will stand’.

 

Much wounded by this the first mate resumed his duties. That night it fell to his lot to make the next entry in the log for a period of his watch. This he did, with what may be called a malicious scrupulousness of accuracy. Accordingly the captain next day found on the log that innocently damning statement, “The captain was sober last night”.
 

–Subham–