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தமிழ் தமாஷ்- உ.வே.சா, ஐயங்கார் ஜோக்ஸ் (Post No.6931)

WRITTEN BY LONDON SWAMINATHAN
swami_48@yahoo.com

 Date: 25 AUGUST 2019  

British Summer Time uploaded in London – 7-43 am

Post No. 6931

 Pictures are taken from various sources; this is a non- commercial, educational blog; posted in swamiindology.blogspot.com and tamilandvedas.com simultaneously. Average hits per day for both blogs 12,000.

தமிழர்கள் ‘ஜோக்’ அடிப்பதில் சளைத்தவர்கள் இல்லை; உ.வே.சா. மற்றும் ராகவ அய்யங்கார் ஜோக்குகளைப் படிப்பதற்கு முன்னர் எனது சேதுபதி பள்ளி ஆசிரியர் வி.ஜி. சீனிவாசன் சொன்ன ஜோக்குகளை மீண்டும் எழுதுகிறேன்.

இரண்டு நண்பர்கள் காரசார விவாதத்தில் ஈடுபட்டனர். மூன்றாவது நண்பர் அவர்களை சமாதானப் படுத்துவதற்காக நல்லெண்ணத்தில் தலையிட்டார்.

சண்டை போட்டுக்கொண்டிருந்த இரண்டு நண்பர்களும் சொன்னார்கள்:

ஏய் , நீ  இதில் தலையிடாதே; எங்களுக்குள் ஆயிரம் விஷயங்கள் இருக்கும்; நீ தள்ளிப் போ.

மூன்றாம் நண்பர் சொன்னார்:

ஏய், சரிதான் பா; ஆளுக்கு 500 எடுத்துக்குங்க; சண்டை போடாதீங்கன்னு சொல்லத்தான் நானும் வந்தேன்; என்ன, கமிஷன் கேக்கவா வந்தேன்?

Xxx

மகன் சொன்னான்:

அப்பா, இது என்னப்பா?

சாப்பா,

டுப்போ,

டப்ப,

டும்!

என்று எழுதியிருக்கே.

அப்பா சொன்னார்:

தமிழ் தெரியாதவர்கள்  தப்பிதமாகப் பிரித்து எழுதிவிட்டார்கள்-

சாப்பாடு போடப்படும்  — என்று ஹோட்டல்காரர், வெளி நாட்டு டூரிஸ்டுகளுக்காக எழுதி வைத்துள்ளார்.

Xxx

மதுரையில் ஒரு சிறுமி கடைக்கார செட்டியாரிடம்,

அம்மா

சுக்குமி.

ளகுதி,

இப்பிலி

வாங்கிட்டு வரச் சொல்லிச்சு– என்றாள்.

கடைக்காரர செட்டியார் அப்பெண்ணின் கை யில் இருந்த சிட்டியைப் பார்த்து சுக்கு, மிளகு, திப்பிலியைக் கையில் கொடுத்து அனுப்பினார்.

xxx

xxx

–subham–

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by Tamil and Vedas on August 25, 2019  •  Permalink
Posted in anecdotes, தமிழ், தமிழ் பண்பாடு, தமி்ழ்

Posted by Tamil and Vedas on August 25, 2019

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HORSE AND HUSBAND! MEDICAL JOKES!! (Post No.6926)

WRITTEN BY  LONDON SWAMINATHAN

swami_48@yahoo.com

 Date: 24 AUGUST 2019  

British Summer Time uploaded in London – 11-54 am

Post No. 6926

 Pictures are taken from various sources; this is a non- commercial, educational blog; posted in swamiindology.blogspot.com and tamilandvedas.com simultaneously. Average hits per day for both blogs 12,000.

Landlord is not repairing!

Daniel Webster described in this way his last interview with John Adams:

“While I was with him and conversing on the commo topics of the day, someone a friend of his came in and made particular inquiry of his health. John Adams answered,

I inhabit a weak, frail, decayed tenement; battered by the winds and broken in upon by the storms, and , from all I can learn, the landlord does not intend to repair.”

Xxx

Hypochondriacs

Hypochondriacs should never go to medical lectures. Invariable they become afflicted with symptoms of any disease they hear about. One such man, having returned from a lecture on diseases of  the kidney immediately called upon his doctor.

The doctor attempted to explain that in that particular disease there were no pains or discomfort of any kind.

“I knew it”, gasped the hypochondriac, “my symptoms exactly”.

Xxx

Horse must be safe!

Now be sure, the farmer’s wife cautioned the druggist “to label them bottles plain; which one is for the horse and which one is for my husband. I don’t want nothing to happen to that horse before Spring plowing!”

Xxx

Brandy treatment!

A man having hurt his forehead, was advised to rub it with brandy, some days later, being asked how if he had done so, he answered,

“I have tried several times, but can never get the glass higher than my mouth”.

xxx

When one of Dr Chapman’s patients revolted at a monstrous dose of medicines and said:

Why, doctor, you don’t mean such a dose as this for this gentleman?

The doctor replied: “Oh No, but for working’ men”

Xxx  subham xxxx

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by Tamil and Vedas on August 24, 2019  •  Permalink
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கால் முறிவுக்கு அதிசய சிகிச்சை! கிழவிக்காக திரும்பிப்போன ரயில்!! (Post No.6920)

WRITTEN BY LONDON SWAMINATHAN


swami_48@yahoo.com

 Date: 23 AUGUST 2019  

British Summer Time uploaded in London – 10-14 am

Post No. 6920

 Pictures are taken from various sources; this is a non- commercial, educational blog; posted in swamiindology.blogspot.com and tamilandvedas.com simultaneously. Average hits per day for both blogs 12,000.

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by Tamil and Vedas on August 23, 2019  •  Permalink
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Posted by Tamil and Vedas on August 23, 2019

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Train went back for an Old Lady! (Post No.6916)

COMPILED BY LONDON SWAMINATHAN


swami_48@yahoo.com

 Date: 22 AUGUST 2019  

British Summer Time uploaded in London – 18-59

Post No. 6916

 Pictures are taken from various sources; this is a non- commercial, educational blog; posted in swamiindology.blogspot.com and tamilandvedas.com simultaneously. Average hits per day for both blogs 12,000.

MEDICINES ANECDOTES

An old lady, on her way to a summer resort, kept pestering the train conductor to tell her when they would reach Ellenville.

Finally, harried by her constant questioning, he pleaded with her to bother him no more, that he would tell her as soon as they reached the town. Becoming busy with all his duties, the train reached and passed Ellenville with the conductor all about the old lady.  Suddenly recollecting her anxiety about the place, he backed up the train and as it pulled into the little station, he hurried out and told the woman, “Here you are now- in Ellenville. I will help you with your baggage.”

“Oh, thank you, “replied the old lady. “Never mind, I am not getting off here. My daughter just told me that when I got to Ellenville, it would be just about time to take another of my pills”

Xxx

Secret cure!!

Many years ago an English sailor who had broken his leg was advised to send to the Royal Society on account of the remarkable manner in which he had healed the fracture. He did so. His story was that, having fractured the limb by falling down from the top of a mast, he had dressed it with nothing but tar and oakum, which had proved so wonderfully efficacious that in three days he was able to walk just as well as before the accident. This remarkable story naturally caused some excitement among the members of the society. No one had previously suspected tar and oakum of possessing such miraculous healing powers. Several letters accordingly passed between the Royal Society and the humble sailor, who continued to assert most solemnly that his broken leg had been treated with tar and oakum, and with these two applications only. The society might have remained puzzled for an indefinite period had not the man remarked in  a post script to his last letter:

“ I forgot to inform your honors, by the way, that the leg was a wooden one!”

oakum

/ˈəʊkəm/

Learn to pronounce

noun

  1. loose fibre obtained by untwisting old rope, used especially in caulking wooden ships.

Xxx

Cure for Gout?

“Pray Dr Abernethy, what is the cure for gout? Asked an indolent, luxurious citizen of the famous doctor.

“Live on six pence aa day, and earn it!” wass the pithy answer

Xxx subham xxx

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by Tamil and Vedas on August 22, 2019  •  Permalink
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Posted by Tamil and Vedas on August 22, 2019

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ஐயோ! பாதிரியாரே! அது என் கால்! பெண் வெட்கம்! (Post No.6887)

WRITTEN BY LONDON SWAMINATHAN

swami_48@yahoo.com

 Date: 16 AUGUST 2019  


British Summer Time uploaded in London –  8-28 am

Post No. 6887

 Pictures are taken from various sources.  ((posted by swamiindology.blogspot.com AND tamilandvedas.com))

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by Tamil and Vedas on August 16, 2019  •  Permalink
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Posted by Tamil and Vedas on August 16, 2019

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Archbishop’s Strange Disease! (Post No.6779)

Compiled by  London Swaminathan

swami_48@yahoo.com

 Date: 14 AUGUST 2019  


British Summer Time uploaded in London –  20-55

Post No. 6779

 Pictures are taken from various sources.  ((posted by swamiindology.blogspot.com AND tamilandvedas.com))

A certain archbishop, getting alone in years, had been worried for some time that he would fall a victim to a paralytic stroke. One evening, while playing chess with a charming young lady, he suddenly became very agitated, and feeling that his  presentiment  had been fulfilled, he fell back in his chair, murmuring,

“Your move”.

Alarmed, his partner hurried to his side,

“Are you ill?”, she asked.

“It has come”, the Archbishop replied, “at last it has come, my right side is paralysed”.

“How can you be so sure?”

 I have been pinching my leg” weakly said the Archbishop, “and there is absolutely no feeling”.

“Oh”, she said the charming young lady, blushing profusely, “your Grace, I do beg your pardon, but it was my leg you are pinching.”

Xxx

My Prescription – Skipping Rope

A lady much afflicted with nervous complaints went to consult the celebrated surgeon Dr Abernethy(18th century). The rough and caustic manner in which he catechized her, so discomposed the fair one’s weak spirits, that she was thrown into a fit of hysterics. On parting she put the usual fee in his hands in the form of a sovereign and a shilling. Dr Abernethy pocketed the sovereign with one hand, and with the other presented the shilling to her, saying gravely,

“Here  madam, take this shilling, go to the next toy shop, buy a skipping rope, and use it every day; it will do you more good than all my prescriptions”.

xxx

Blunt Doctor

A lady who went to consult the blunt Dr Abernethy, began description of her complaint thus:

“Whenever I lift my arm, it pains me exceedingly”.

“Why, then, madam, said the doctor impatiently, “you are great fool for lifting it”.

presentiment

/prɪˈzɛntɪm(ə)nt,prɪˈsɛntɪm(ə)nt/

Learn to pronounce

noun

  1. an intuitive feeling about the future, especially one of foreboding.

“a presentiment of disaster”

synonyms: premonition, foreboding, intuition, feeling, hunch, suspicion, sneaking suspicion, feeling in one’s bones, funny feeling, vague feeling, inkling, idea, sixth sense;

Xxx Subham  xxx

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by Tamil and Vedas on August 14, 2019  •  Permalink
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Sickness in the guise of a Lady! (Post No.6772)

Written by  London Swaminathan

swami_48@yahoo.com

 Date: 13 AUGUST 2019  


British Summer Time uploaded in London –  15-14

Post No. 6772

 Pictures are taken from various sources.  ((posted by swamiindology.blogspot.com AND tamilandvedas.com))

Demetrius would at times tarry from business to attend to pleasure. On such occasions he usually feigned indisposition. His father, coming to visit him, saw a beautiful young lady retire from his chamber. On his entering, Demetrius said,

“Sir, the fever has left me”.

“I met it at the door”, replied the father.

((Demetrius of Alopece[1] (Greek: Δημήτριος), was a Greek sculptor of the early part of the 4th century BC, who is said by ancient critics to have been notable for the lifelike realism of his statues. His portrait of Pellichus, a Corinthian general, “with fat paunch and bald head, wearing a cloak which leaves him half exposed, with some of the hairs of his head flowing in the wind, and prominent veins”, was admired by Lucian. He was contrasted with Cresilas, an idealizing sculptor of the generation before. Since however the peculiarities mentioned by Lucian do not appear in Greek portraits before the 3rd century BC and since the Greek art of the 4th century consistently idealizes, there would seem to be a difficulty to explain.))[2]

Xxx

Autopsy will answer!

The old-timer had been sick in bed for weeks. The local doctors had been unable to help or to diagnose. The old codger insisted that he didn’t need anybody’s help, but specialists were called in over his protests. When they had gone, his friends and relatives asked the old man what they had said.

“Told you I was alright”, he said triumphantly. “Them gentlemen used a lot of big words I couldn’t understand but they finally said,

Well, no use worrying about it or arguing over it. The autopsy will soon give us the answer”.

Xxx

Abraham Lincoln’s Sickness

Abraham Lincoln was once confined to the White House with a bad cold, a congressman, who had called to express his sympathy , was interrupted in the middle of his solemn words by the President, who said laughingly,

Well – I expect colds. And looking down at his large feet he continued,

“There is so much of me on the ground, you know”.

–subham–

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by Tamil and Vedas on August 13, 2019  •  Permalink
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IS HE GONE? NEWSPAPER OFFICE PHONE CALL TO A SICK V.I.P (Post No.6768)

Painter Nevinson

Written by  London Swaminathan

swami_48@yahoo.com

 Date: 12 AUGUST 2019  
British Summer Time uploaded in London –  21-07

Post No. 6768

 Pictures are taken from various sources.  ((posted by swamiindology.blogspot.com AND tamilandvedas.com))

C R W Nevinson, English painter, tells one of the finest of all sick bed stories:

Then came pleurisy, culminating in pneumonia that nearly ended my life. The telephone was at by bed side, and in order that I should not be disturbed we were supposed to be cut off from all incoming calls. One night, however, when the night nurse had gone out of the room the bell rang. Instinctively I reached out my hand.

“Yes”, I quavered.

“Daily Blank speaking”, announced a very cockney voice. “Is he gone yet?”

It hurt me to laugh and I maintained my gravity by thinking they should not have left it to the office boy.

“No, I said, He is still with us”.

I then said that the patient had expressed a desire that certain matters to be remembered in his obituary notice, and I dictated a paragraph which the voice assured me it had taken down. I wished him good bye.

“Good bye ,said the voice. An’ if h’ goes within the next hour give’s a scoop will yer?”

I promised to do my best  in difficult circumstances and rang off.

Xxx

I like Death

The steward attempted to encourage the suffering passenger.

“Don’t be downhearted, nobody’s ever died of seasickness”.

“Oh, moaned the sufferer , how can you be so cruel? Only the hope of death has kept me alive so far.”

Xxx

Mark twain reply!

Could there be anything worse, an ailing friend once wrote complyingly to mark twain, than having a tooth ache and an earache at the same time?

Mark twain wrote back:

“Rheumatism and St.Vitus Dance”.

Xxx

What is your last wish?

Looking down at the sick man, the doctor decided to tell him the truth.

“I feel that I should tell you. You are a very sick man. I am sure you would want to know the facts. Now—is there anyone you would like to see?”

Bending down towards his patient, the doctor heard him feebly answer, “Yes”.

“Who is it?”

In a slightly stronger tone the sufferer said,

“another Doctor.”

Xxx subham xxx

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by Tamil and Vedas on August 12, 2019  •  Permalink
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DOCTORS ANECDOTES (Post No.6742)

Compiled by London Swaminathan


swami_48@yahoo.com

n

 Date: 7 AUGUST 2019  
British Summer Time uploaded in London –18-17

Post No. 6742

 Pictures are taken from various sources.  ((posted by swamiindology.blogspot.com AND tamilandvedas.com))

A man came to a psychiatrist and proceeded to unfold before the doctor his life story, covering his childhood experiences, his emotional life, his eating habits, his vocational problems, and everything else he could think of.

“Well, said the doctor, it doesn’t seem to me as though there were anything wrong with you. You seem as sane as I am”.

“But ,doctor, protested the patient, a note of horror creeping into his voice, it is these butterflies. I cant stand them . they are all over me”.

“For heaven sake, cried the doctor recoiling, don’t brush them ff on me!”

Xxx

First prize Appendoctomy!

In West Virginia a contest was once held for a  name  for a new country hospital. The first prize was free appendectomy.

(appendectomy

/ˌap(ə)nˈdɛktəmi/

Learn to pronounce

noun

  1. a surgical operation to remove the appendix.

“she had been rushed into hospital for an emergency appendectomy”)

Xxx

DENTISTS ANECDOTES

After the war, General Pershing found himself in need of dental care. Following the advice of his dentist, he had a number of teeth. Great was his ingignation when he learned that these teeth were being sold as souvenirs under the name,

Famous General’s Teeth

He hurriedly sent out his aides to round up the molars. There is no record of what he said when they returned with a total of 175 teeth, all urported to be his.

Xxx

A patient called his dentist for an appointment.

So sorry, said the dentist, not today.

I have eighteen cavities to fill.

Whereupon he hung up the phone, picked up his golf bag and dearted from his office.

(cavity definition: 1. a hole, or an empty space between two surfaces: 2. a hole in a tooth 3. a hollow space in an organ or body part: )

–subham–

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by Tamil and Vedas on August 7, 2019  •  Permalink
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Posted by Tamil and Vedas on August 7, 2019

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WHERE IS GOD? ONE ORANGE, IF YOU TELL ME WHERE HE IS! (Post No.6733)

COMPILED BY London Swaminathan

swami_48@yahoo.com

 Date: 5 AUGUST 2019


British Summer Time uploaded in London –13-47

Post No. 6733

 Pictures are taken from various sources.  ((posted by swamiindology.blogspot.com AND tamilandvedas.com))

Chateauneuf, keeper of the seals of Louis XIII, when a boy of only nine years old, was asked many questions by a bishop, and gave very prompt answers to them all. At length the prelate said,

“I will give you an orange if you will tell me where God is”.

My Lord, replied the boy,

I will give you two oranges if you will tell me where he is not”

This story reminds us of the anecdote regarding Tamil poetess Avvaiyar and another saint.

The person was stretching his or her feet towards god’s statue in a temple. When someone criticised the person for such a blasphemous act, Avvaiar or the saint concerned told the complainant,

“Please show me the direction where god is not”.

Xxx

Look backward and forward!

When John Jay was asked how it was possible for him to occupy his after retirement from public life, he replied with aa smile,

“I have a long life to look back upon and an eternity to look forward to”.

Xxx

Money counts

Parson Paten  was so much averse to the Athanasian Creed that he would never read it. Archbishop Secker having been informed about his recalcitrance , sent the archdeacon to ask him his reason,

 I do not believe it, said the priest.

But  your  metropolitan does, replied the archdeacon.

It ma be so, rejoined Mr Paten,

And well he can afford I; he believes at the rate of seven thousands pounds a year and I only at fifty

Xxx

I BAPTIZE YOU ALL!

Four gentlemen – a Baptist, Presbyterian, Methodist and Roman Catholic – met by agreement to dine on fish. Soon as grace (prayer before meal) was said, the Catholic rose, armed with a knife and fork, and taking about one third of the fish, including the head, removed it to his plate, saying with great satisfaction: The Pope is the head of the church”.

Immediately the Methodist minister arose, and helping himself with to about one third, embracing the tail, said: “The end crowns the work”.

The Presbyterian now thought it was time for him to move, and taking the remainder of the fish to his plate, exclaimed, “Truth lies between the two extremes”.

Our Baptist brother had nothing before him but an empty plate, and the prospect of a slim dinner, so seizing a bowl of melted butter, he dashed it over them, exclaiming: “I baptize you all”.

XXX SUBHAM XXX

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by Tamil and Vedas on August 5, 2019  •  Permalink
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