சர்ச்சில் தூங்கிய மன்னர்!(Post No.6640)

King Charles II

WRITTEN BY LONDON SWAMINATHAN


swami_48@yahoo.com


Date: 17 JULY 2019


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Post No. 6640


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Dr Robert South

 XXXX SUBHAM XXX

Sleeping and Snoring in Church Services! (Post No.6638)

Compiled by London swaminathan


swami_48@yahoo.com


Date: 16 JULY 2019


British Summer Time uploaded in London –16-49

Post No. 6638


Pictures are taken from various sources including Facebook, google, Wikipedia. This is a non- commercial blog. ((posted by swamiindology.blogspot.com AND tamilandvedas.com))


Dr South, when preaching before Charles II, observed that the monarch and his attendants began to nod. And some of them soon after snored. On this he broke off his sermon and said,
Lord Lauderdale, let me entreat you to rouse yourself; you snore so loud, that you will awake the king.


Xxx.

Three Kinds of Pride!

My brethren, said the satirical Dean Swift in a sermon, there are three kinds of pride—
of  birth, of riches and of talent. I shall not speak of the latter, none of you being liable to that abominable vice.
Xxx

Sermon and Deer Hunt


A somewhat self -satisfied and greatly inexperienced young preacher one Sunday supplied the pulpit of a country church. After services he asked one of the church fathers what he thought of his sermon.

“Now I tell you, said the old man ,
I will put it in a sort of parable . I recollect Archie Tucker’s first deer hunt. He was kind of green. He followed the deer alright, but he followed it all day in the wrong direction”.

Xxx

Drowning in Water!!

A prominent bishop tells of the Sunday morning when he was approached after the service by an old lady, who said in a tone of appreciation,
“Bishop, you will never know what your service meant to me. It was just like water to a drowning man!”

Xxx

Ten Minutes Sermon is Enough!!


A certain minister recounted a harrowing experience which befell him during one of his sermons. Just as he was beginning his address, an elderly lady of stern mien marched down and seated herself directly beneath him in front of the pulpit. She opened up a little kit, assembled the various parts of a rather elaborate hearing mechanism and affixed it her ears. After not more than ten minutes of his discourse, she suddenly took off the ear pieces, unscrewed the mechanism and packed it neatly away in its little box and sat with her hands in her lap throughout the rest of the sermon.

Xxx

Charles Lamb and Coleridge!


“I believe, you have never heard me preach, Charles”, said Coleridge, referring to the days of his Unitarian ministry.
“Yes, retorted Lamb, I …I … never heard you do anything else”.

Xxx

Garrick said he would give a hundred Guineas if he could say
“Oh!” as well as the Rev. Whitefield


Xxxx Subham xxxx

Albert Einstein on Cluttered Desk! (Post No.6632)

Written by London swaminathan


swami_48@yahoo.com


Date: 15 JULY 2019
British Summer Time uploaded in London – 5-59 am

Post No. 6632


Pictures are taken from various sources including Facebook, google, Wikipedia. This is a non- commercial blog. ((posted by swamiindology.blogspot.com AND tamilandvedas.com))

Whenever I travel on airplanes I never watch movies; I spend most of my time watching the flight path amazing at the height of flight — 36,000 feet at an average speed of 550 miles per hour. I also watch the temperature of minus -45-degree F etc. Other times I sleep or read something. But during my trip to India on July 2019 I came across the issue of The Week (issue date 29 June). There were lot of news items that grabbed my attention. One of them is the Wit and Wisdom page. Here are some interesting quotations: –

“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what then is an empty desk a sign?” – Albert Einstein

(My comments- Thanks, Einstein; I was worried about my cluttered desk! Family members always complain about my cluttered desk and cluttered desk top screen on my PC. Now I know I am as intelligent as Einstein!)

Xxx

“Everybody was so gaga about Steve Jobs, but I picture him in hell running from demons, who want a selfie” – Jim Carrey blames the Apple founder for the popularity of selfies, quoted in the I newspaper.

(My comment- It is not fair to blame Steve for this; Selfies help us to reduce the population of idiots. Those who are idiots die at mountain cliffs, railway lines, water sources, top floors of the skyscrapers by taking selfies. Like knife, it can be used for both good and bad tasks. Narendra Modi, Prime Minister of India, used it for popularising good things. He took selfies with baby girls (Indians favour boys). When printing machine was invented by Gutenberg , Christian church warned him of bringing Satan into the world. When computers were introduced into banksin India,  Marxist idiots cried of job loses and closed banks every month to stage demos. Popes of olden days banned printed Bibles. Now we laugh at them. So don’t blame Steve for selfies. It will get rid of the idiots from the earth and send them to hell. Long Live Steve Jobs!)

xxx

“Slow is the fastest way to get where you want to go”- Actor Andre De Shields quoted in The Hollywood Reporter.

(My comment- Thanks Andre. Now I know I am on the fastest track. This morning, the total number of hits for both my blogs crossed 11,000 hits per day mark; but I wanted to get 100,000 hits a day;  I will reach my goal, slowly, slowly)

Xxx

“People do not change, they are merely revealed” – Writer Anne Enright quoted in the Independent.

Xxx

“Time is an illusion. Lunch time doubly so”- Douglas Adams, quoted in The Guardian

(My comment- Very true! I worked for 43 years till my retirement in 2014. Lunch time was a luxury, unobtainable!

Xxx

“It is impossible that a man who is false to his friends and neighbours should be true to the public”- Bishop Berkeley  quoted in The Guardian.

(My comment – I am reminded of politicians, particularly, Indian politicians. Most of them are not honest. Their friends expose them when they leave such unscrupulous people and go to another group or political party)

Xxx

“I wear my enemies like medals”- Norman Stone quoted in The Sunday Times.

(My comments- Hindu gods did this! The demon under the statue of Nataraja (Dancing Shiva), the flags in the hand of Lord Skanda/ Kartikeya, and the Vahanas/ Mounts of several gods and goddesses are their enemies (demons)!

Xxx Subham xxx

Sermon on ‘Gardening’! Preacher Surprised! Woman was Happy (Post No.6622)

Compiled  by London swaminathan


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Date: 1 JULY 2019


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6

Post No. 6622


Pictures are taken from various sources including Facebook, google, Wikipedia. This is a non- commercial blog. ((posted by swamiindology.blogspot.com AND tamilandvedas.com))



“I ought not to be surprised by anything at my time of life, said a well known minister, but one of my flock did manage to take my breath away. I was preaching about the Father’s tender wisdom in caring for us all; illustrated by saying that the Father knows which of grows best in sunlight and which of us must have shade.


“You know you plant roses in the sunshine, I said, and heliotrope and geraniums; but if you want your fuchsias to grow they must be kept in a shady nook.”


After the sermon, which I hoped would be a comforting one, a woman came to me, her face glowing with pleasure that was evidently deep and true.

“Oh Dr,,,,,, I am so grateful for that sermon, she said, clasping my hand and shaking it warmly. My heart glowed for a moment, while I wondered what tender place in her heart and life I had touched. Only for a moment though.”

“Yes, she went on fervently, I never knew before what was the matter with my fuchsias”

Xxxx

Doubting Thomas in the audience!


George Whitfield, the celebrated preacher, was on one occasion, describing a blind man s approach unknowingly to the edge of a precipice.


“Tap, tap, went his stick, feeling the way. Shuffle, shuffle, came his feet. Rods of distance dwindled to yards, yards dwindled to inches. The last full step took him to the edge; his stick reached into vacancy and slipped from his hand. He moved forward to retrieve it; he lifted one foot over vacancy”……….. — and the skeptical, licentious Lord Chesterfield, who was in the audience, leaped to his feet, crying out,
“My God! He is gone!”

Xxxx

Oh, devil, pardon me, please!

The celebrated preacher, Rowland Hill, was greatly annoyed whenever any noise diverted the attention of his hearers from what he was saying. On one occasion, a few days before his death, he was preaching to a crowded congregation, and in the middle of his discourse observed a commotion in the gallery.

“What is the matter there, he exclaimed, The devil seems to have got amongst you!”

A plain, country-looking man started to his feet, and addressing Mr Hill in reply said,

“No sir—it aren’t the  devil as is doing it! It is a fat lady what is faint; and she is a very fat un, sir, as don’t seem likely to come to again in a hurry”.

Oh, that is it – is it? Observed Mr Hill, drawing his hand across his chin. Then I beg the lady’s pardon – and the devil’s too.”

Xxx subham xxx

மாதா கோவிலில் மார்க் ட்வைன்; பாதிரியார் அதிர்ச்சி (Post No.6617)

Written  by  London Swaminathaan


swami_48@yahoo.com


Date: 30 June 2019


British Summer Time uploaded in London –8-52 am

Post No. 6617


Pictures are taken from various sources including Facebook, google, Wikipedia. This is a non- commercial blog. ((posted by swamiindology.blogspot.com AND tamilandvedas.com))

Images f Heaven and Hell

–subham–

Mark Twain in the Church! Preacher was Angry! (Post No.6615)

Compiled by  London Swaminathaan

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Date: 29 June 2019


British Summer Time uploaded in London –18-4
0

Post No. 6615


Pictures are taken from various sources including Facebook, google, Wikipedia. This is a non- commercial blog. ((posted by swamiindology.blogspot.com AND tamilandvedas.com))

Sermons anecdotes


The well-known and popular preacher, Charles Spurgeon, was admonishing a class of Divinity students on the importance of making the facial expressions harmonise with the speech in delivering sermons.


The well-known and popular preacher, Charles Spurgeon, was admonishing a class of Divinity students on the importance of making the facial expressions harmonise with the speech in delivering sermons.

“When you speak of Heaven, he said, let your face light up and be irradiated with a Heavenly gleam . Let your eyes shine with reflected glory. And when you speak of Hell, well, then your everyday face will do.”

Xxx

Twain in Church!


Mark Twain occasionally attended the services of Dr Doane, later Bishop of Albany, but then Rector of an Episcopal Church at Hartford. One Sunday morning Twain said to him at the end of the service,
“Dr Doane, I enjoyed your service this morning. I welcomed it like an old friend. I have, you know, a book containing every word of it”.
“You have not”, said Dr Doane indignantly.
“I have so”.
“You send that book to me . I would like to see it”.
“I will send it”, promised Twain.
The following day he sent Dr Doane an unabridged dictionary.

Xxx

Breakfast for a Preacher

A visiting minister was eating breakfast with his host, before the morning service at which he was to speak. He ate very little, explaining that it was not good for a preacher to eat heavily before a sermon. The house wife had prepared the meal with great care and felt somewhat peeved at the apparent lack of appreciation of her cooking. She couldn’t attend the service, as she had the dinner to prepare.
When her husband got home she inquired
“Well, how was he?”
The husband drawing a sigh replied,
“He might just as well of et.”


Xxx


As fresh as a Rose


When a Scotch minister told his neighbor that he had preached two hours and a half day the before the neighbor said to him,
Why, minister, were you not tired to death?
“Aw, na, said he, I was as fresh as a rose, but it would have done your heart good to see how tired the congregation was”.

Xxx

Whistling Preacher.


A minister named Craig bought a whistle and when his hearers went to sleep  , he emitted a very shrill sound from it.

All were awake and sat up to hear him.

“You are certainly smart specimens of humanity said he, as he slowly gazed at his wondering people.
When I preach the gospel you go to sleep, when I play the fool you are wide awake”.

Xxx Subham xxx

‘கடவுளுக்கு ஞாபக மறதி உண்டு’- தாமஸ் ஆல்வா எடிசன் (Post No.6610)

WRITTEN   by London Swaminathan

swami_48@yahoo.com


Date: 28 June 2019


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Post No. 6610


Pictures are taken from various sources including Facebook, google, Wikipedia. This is a non- commercial blog. ((posted by swamiindology.blogspot.com AND tamilandvedas.com))

—subham–

GOD IS ABSENT MINDED SOMETIMES’- THOMAS ALVA EDISON (Post No.6607)

COMPILED  by London Swaminathan

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Date: 27 June 2019


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Post No. 6607


Pictures are taken from various sources including Facebook, google, Wikipedia. This is a non- commercial blog. ((posted by swamiindology.blogspot.com AND tamilandvedas.com))

MORE CHURCH ANECDOTES


There had been a series of severe electrical storm s In Oorange, New Jersey and the vestrymen of a certain church in that town had discussed the advisability of placing lightning rods on the edifice. So they went on to call Thomas Edison, the inventor, to get his opinion.

“I think, Sir”, said their spokesperson, “the lightning rods are a mighty good thing on a building. What do you think?”
“What sort of building is this ?” Asked Edison impatiently.

“A church”.

“By all means put them on”, said the great inventor.
“You know Provident is absent minded sometimes”.
Xxx

PICK POCKETS  IN SYNAGOGUE


Harpo Marx is not a religious man. He has never entered a synagogue but once since his Bar Mitzvah. On this occasion he entered a synagogue in search of his bootlegger. He got his pocket picked.

BAR MIZVAH

Bar mitzvah is a Jewish coming of age ritual for boys. Bat mitzvah is a Jewish coming of age ritual for girls. The plural is b’nai mitzvah for boys, and b’not mitzvah for girls. 


Xxxx

President , I am not sure, but God will be there!


One day the telephone in the office of the Rector of  President

 Roosevelt ‘s Washington Church rang and an eager voice said,

“Tell me, do you expect the president to be in church this Sunday?”
That, the rector explained patiently,
“I can’t promise. However, God will be there and that will be incentive enough for a reasonably large attendance”.

Xxx

ONE TOOT, YOU AARE OOT



In a small Scottish church, a sexton was painstakingly pursuing his duties, seeing that everyone had his place and was properly quiet during the sermon.



In a small Scottish church, a sexton was painstakingly pursuing his duties, seeing that everyone had his place and was properly quiet during the sermon.


Suddenly he spied an old Scots woman with an ear trumpet. Being unfamiliar with this device, he hurried over to her and in a low tone said,
One toot and you are oot. (OUT)

ear trumpet

noun

  1. a trumpet-shaped device formerly used as a hearing aid.


Xxx
JEROME D ENGEL


In the later years of his ministry, the southern preacher Jerome D Engel, became slightly hard of hearing. A legend has it that at one service during the announcement period, Engel informed the congregation about new hymnal S which were being ordered and which were to be purchased individually by the congregation. When he had finished the announcement, the Deacon of the church rose to remind the audience that the following Sunday was the regular day for the baptism of infants.

Engel, not hearing clearly, and thinking that the deacon had made reference to the books, hastily added,


All you who haven’t any , can get as many as you want, by calling on me, at 75 cent a piece.

Xxx

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE PREACHING


A woman engaged an Irish maid from the city to serve at her country estate. The girl was a devout catholic and suffered from the fact that the only church of any description within reach of her new place of employment was a Christian Science temple. Feeling the necessity to worship in somewise she at last attended service there . Upon her return her employer asked


“Well, Mary, how did you like the Christian Science services?”


“Faith, said Mary, it was mighty quare. I went in and sat down and after a time a man on one side of the church got up and told what Mary Baker Eddy had done for him. Then another man got up and told what Mary Baker eddy done for him. And next a woman in front of me got up and told what Mary Baker eddy done for her, and it went on until I couldn’t it stand it any longer and I got right up and told what Lydia E Pinkham had done for me”.

Lydia Pinkham

Inventor

Description

Lydia Estes Pinkham was the inventor and marketer of an herbal-alcoholic “women’s tonic” for menstrual and menopausal problems, which some dismissed as a quack remedy, but which is still on sale today in a modified form



Xxxxsubham xxxx



Xxxxsubham xxxx

DOCTOR JOKES (Post No.6602)

Compiled   by london swaminathan


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Date: 26 June 2019


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Post No. 6602


Pictures are taken from various sources including Facebook, google, Wikipedia. This is a non- commercial blog. ((posted by swamiindology.blogspot.com AND tamilandvedas.com))

Greedy Cleaning Woman

“I reckon you get paid  right handsome for looking after the rich Johnson boy”, observed the cleaning woman to the doctor.

“Why, yes, I get pretty good fees”, he replied somewhat amused.

“Why do you ask?”

“I just hope you wont forget that it was my boy who threw the brick that hi him”.

Xxx

My patient dies only ……………………………..

A physician was talking over some of his cases with a layman friend. A bit maliciously the friend remarked, Say doctor, I hear that man you treated for a liver  ailment died of a heart attack.”

Outraged at this slur against his professional skill, the doctor shouted, “see here, my good man, when I treat someone for liver trouble, he dies of liver trouble”.

Xxxx

Foolish advice !

A patient going to a doctor for his first visit was asked ,

“And whom did you consult before  coming to me?”

“Only one village druggist” was the answer.

“And what sort o foolish advice did the numbskull give you?”, said the doctor, his tone and manner denoting contempt for the advice of the layman.

“Oh”, replied his patient , with no malice aforethought ,”he told me to come and see you”.

Xxx

Kreplach fear

A Jewish mother was much distressed over the problem of her young son who was afraid to eat the popular dish known as kreplach. She took the boy to a psychiatrist for consultation After hearing the case , the doctor said,

“Now , Madam, It is very simple. Take the boy home, take him out in the kitchen, and show him the ingredients that go into the dish. And then, show him how the kreplach is mad. This should probably eliminate the condition.

Hopefully the mother followed his advice. On the kitchen table she put out a small square of dough beside which was a small mound of prepared chopped meat..

Now, she said, there is nothing here you should  mind.

The lad beamed and nodded encouragingly.

The mother then put the meat in the center of the dough and folded over one corner. The boy smiled and all   seemed to be going well. She folded over the second corner  and the third. The boy was nodding and the experiment seemed to be progressing  most favourably.  Then she folded over the fourth and final corner; whereupon the boy groaned and muttered , “Oi,Kreplach!”.

Xxx subham xxx

அம்மாவை திகைக்கவைத்த சின்னப் பையன் பதில்! உண்மைச் சம்பவம்! (Post No.6597)

Written by london swaminathan

swami_48@yahoo.com


Date: 25 June 2019


British Summer Time uploaded in London – 8-33am

Post No. 6597


Pictures are taken from various sources including Facebook, google, Wikipedia. This is a non- commercial blog. ((posted by swamiindology.blogspot.com AND tamilandvedas.com))