Quick Thinking Anecdotes! (Post No.2805)

Go to hell

Compiled by london swaminathan

 

Date: 12 May 2016

 

Post No. 2804

 

Time uploaded in London :–  19-06

 

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As Mark Hanna was walking through his office one day he overheard one of his employee’s remark that he wished that he had Hanna’s money and Hanna was in the poor house.

 

Immediately upon his reaching office Hanna sent for the young man.

He told him he overheard his statement, and then added, “Supposing you had your wish. And you had my money and I was in the poor house, then what would you do?”

Quickly he boy replied, “Well, I guess the first thing I would do would be to get you out of that poor house.”

The boy got a raise in salary.

Xxx

Jackass or Animal?

When Champ Clark was Speaker of the House, Congressman Johnson of Indiana interrupted the speech of an Ohio representative, calling him a jackass. The expression was ruled to be un parliamentary and Johnson apologised.

“I withdraw the unfortunate word, Mr.Speaker, but I insist that the gentleman from Ohio is out of order.”

“How am I out of order?”, angrily shouted the other.

“Probably a veterinary could tell you”, answered Johnson. And this was allowed to enter the record.

3jackasses-149666.jpg

Xxx

You don’t need to ‘Go to Hell’!

Two Massachusetts State Senators got into an angry debate and one told the other he could “go to hell.” The man thus consigned called on Governor Coolidge and asked him to do something about it.

 

Mr Coolidge replied

“I have looked up the law, Senator, and you don’t have to go there.”

—Subham–

 

Spider in the Newspaper! 6 Interesting Advertising Anecdotes (Post No. 2659)

spider_on_newspaper

Compiled by london swaminathan

 

Date: 24 March 2016

 

Post No. 2659

 

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During Mark Twain’s days as a newspaper man, he was editor of a small Missouri (USA) newspaper. One day he got a letter from a subscriber, stating that he had found a spider in his newspaper, and asking if this was an omen of good or bad luck.

Twain wrote, “Finding a spider in your paper is neither good luck nor bad. The spider was merely looking over our paper to see which merchant was not advertising so that he could go to that store, spin his web across the door and lead a life of undisturbed peace ever afterward.

Xxx

 

smoke-that-cigarette

I never smoked!

The famous tenor, Giovanni Martinelli, was once asked if he smoked.
Tobacco, “I would not think of it”, said the singer.
“But”, said one of the reporters, “didn’t you once endorse a cigarette and say that it didn’t irritate your throat.”

“Of course I endorsed it, and it is true that the cigarettes didn’t hurt my throat. I never smoked them”.

Xxx

“This” said the manager of the store,”is inferior grade of shoe. I am an honourable business man and I refuse to pass it off as anything better. Put in the window and mark it ‘A shoe fit for a queen’. A queen doesn’t have to do much walking”.

Xxxx

king george

What King?

One of the great press agents was the late Dexter Fellows who functioned in that capacity for Ringing Brothers and Barnum and Bailey. He knew he had the greatest show on earth. He once entered a newspaper office in the Mid West (USA) and announced without preliminaries
“I am the Dexterity Fellows of the circus”.
“What circus?”, someone asked
“Good Lord, man”, he  said with all the sacrilege on his face,
“If you were in London and a man say
God Save the King, would you interrupt him and ask what King?”

Xxx

dried fruits 2

Tit for Tat!

When the famous Pre Raphaelite painter Burne Jones visited the US he one day received a circular letter from a firm engaged in the sale of dried fruits, inviting him to compete for a prize to be given for the best design to be used in advertising their wares. Only one prize, the circular stated, was to be given, and all unsuccessful drawings were to become the property of the firm.
After reading the circular, and not to be outdone by the audacious request, Sir Philip sat down and wrote the following letter in reply

To

Manager, Dried Fruit Company,
Dear Sir, I am offering a prize of fifty cents for the best specimen of dried fruit, and should be glad to have you take part in the competition. Twelve dozen boxes of each kind of fruit should be sent and all fruit that is not adjudged not worthy of the prize will remain the property of the undersigned.

Xxx

vitamins

No Vitamins!

A certain small boy had been steeped in radio advertising, comic strip promotions, and general conversations on the subject of vitamins. His mother one day offered him some little candies.
These are good, the child said.
What vitamins do they have?
Oh, none in particular, replied his mother.
The child was astonished
Do you mean to say they are just for fun? He asked.

—Subham–

Miser or Philanthropist? 5 Anecdotes (Post No. 2534)

Last-Will3

Compiled by london swaminathan

 

Post No. 2534

Date: 12th February 2016

 

Time uploaded in London:- 13-48

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Wills and Testaments Anecdotes

1.Miser or Philanthropist?

The merchant Guyot lived and died in the town of Marseilles in France. He amassed a large fortune by the most laborious industry and by habits of severest abstinence and privation. His neighbours considered him a miser and thought he was hoarding up money from mean and avaricious motives.

 

The populace whenever he appeared, pursued him with hooting and execrations, and the boys sometimes threw stones at him. At length he died and in his will were found the following words:

 

“Having observed from my infancy that the poor of Marseilles are badly supplied with water which they can purchase at a higher price. I have cheerfully laboured the whole of my life to procure for them this great blessing, and I direct that the whole of my property be laid out in building an aqueduct for their use.”

 

Xxx

2.Hell, No, Heaven, yes you can enter!

The will of Stephen Girard, endowing Girard College in Philadelphia, prohibits clergymen from coming onto the premises. Horace Greely one day approached the campus in his customary, somewhat clerical-looking garb. The gatekeeper challenged him, calling out, “You can’t enter here.”

“The hell I can’t!” retorted Greely.

“I beg your pardon, sir”, replied the guard, “Pass right in.”

Xxx

bankruptcy-attorney-rancho-6

3.Bankruptcy Anecdotes

The following note was found among the effects of a businessman after his death. He had been long known for his frequent lapses into bankruptcy.

 

“I hereby name the following six bankers to be my pall bearers. Since they have carried me for so long during my lifetime, they might as well finish the job now”.

 

Xxxx

4.“Out of my own pocket”

Forced into bankruptcy for the fifth time, the merchant was going over his accounts with his lawyer ad accountant.

 

“It looks pretty bad this time,” said the accountant, “can’t see how you will be able to pay more than four cents on a dollar.”

 

“What”, retorted the merchant, “I have always paid ten cents on the dollar. And I am going to do this time too. Yes, sir, even if I have to take it out of my own pocket.”

 

Xxx

5.Mankind would cease to die!

Abraham Ibn Ezra was an old Hebrew scholar who lived centuries ago. He was known far and wide as a most unlucky man. Everything he did seemed doomed to failure. In fact, so perverse was his fortune, he once remarked jestingly that should he go into the shroud business, mankind would suddenly cease to die.

 

–Subham–

 

Absent minded Professor (Post No 2511)

220px-Dwight_Morrow

Picture of Dwight Morrow

Written by london swaminathan

Date: 5 February 2016

 

Post No. 2511

 

Time uploaded in London :– 14-59

 

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The late Dwight Morrow (US diplomat, politician and businessman), who was very absent-minded, was once reading earnestly on a train when the conductor asked for his ticket. Frantically Mr Morrow searched for it.

 

Never mind Mr Morrow, the conductor said. When you find it mail it to the company I am certain you have it.

 

I know I have it, exploded Mr Morrow. But what I wanted to is, wherein the world am I going!

 

Xxx

lessing

German Author forgot his home!

 

In his old age, Lessing, the German author became very absent minded. Coming home one night with his mind on some work he intended to finish, he found the locked, and discovered that he had not taken his key with him. In answer to his knock, a servant looked out of an upstairs window, and mistaking his master for a stranger, called out

The professor isn’t at Home

 

Very well, Lessing answered meekly as he turned Away

 

Tell him that I will call him another time.

 

Xxx

Forgot his Lunch

J David Stern, former publisher of the New York post was sometimes accused of absentmindedness. Once, as he hastened down the street, he was accosted by a friend, who said, “Come, have lunch with me.
“All right”, said Stern, “f we go to some place nearby. I am already late.”

They entered a restaurant close at hand, and as he ordered, Stern wondered what could be the matter with him for he said, “I am not a bit hungry”

“I beg pardon, sir” the waiter said, “but you just finished lunch five minutes ago”.

 

Xxx

 

NY map

Another story about Dwight Morrow’s notorious absentmindedness. Getting off the train in New York, he hastened into the telegraph office and wired to his secretary: “Why am I in New York? What am I supposed to do?”

He received a prompt answer: that he was on his way to Princeton to deliver a lecture.

 

–subham-

Hiring and Firing Anecdotes

Youre-fired

Article Written by London swaminathan

Date: 5 November 2015

Post No:2303

Time uploaded in London :– 11-39 AM

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Demand for Typists (During World War)

So great has been the demand for typists in the many war bureaus of Washington, that the legend has come to existence that the following test is now the standard by which applicants for such positions are hired:

The girl is shown into a room containing three objects: a washing machine, a typewriter and a machine gun; if she can identify the typewriter, she is hired.

Mark Twain: Idle and Fool!

Mark Twain was always impressed by the story of an industrious boy who became a millionaire. One of the things which remained in his mind was the fact that the boy had gotten his big chance by being noticed by a big business man while in the act of picking up a pin from the sidewalk.

When Mark Twain went to look for a job, he deliberately went to the street in front of an office window and began to pick up some pins which he had surreptiously strewn about. After a while he did succeed in attracting the attention of one of the men in the office. He came out into the street and, instead of the expected praise at such industry, Twain was astonished to hear the man say, “Here you, haven’t you anything better to do than pick up pins in the street? You must be an utterly idle and worthless fool.”

Xxx

Authority !!

In Tamil there is a proverb that says, “If you give power/authority to a scorpion it keeps on stinging.”

The Irish foreman on the construction job was new to his post of dignity. One of his first acts was discharge of one of his erstwhile fellow-workers. Asked why he had fired the man, he said, “I fired him not because I had anything against him, but I had the authority.”

Xxx

hired

Little Work!

A personnel manager found himself confronted with a real problem. He had explained to the applicant that he could not place him because the firm was overstaffed. “That is alright,” said the job seeker. “The little bit of work I would do wouldn’t be noticed.”

–Subham–

3 Mother Anecdotes

Written  by London swaminathan

Date: 1 November 2015.

Post No:2292

Time uploaded in London :–  15-04

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Two small boys were hesitant about approaching their mother for a permission which was almost certain to be denied. They felt that they must take the long shot, however. “You ask her”, said Billy to his younger brother. “No, you”.

At this point the mother chanced to overhear the balance of the conversation.

“Oh, go on, you ask her”, urged Billy. “No, you do it”, said the younger, “you have known her longer than I have.”

Mum, I am nearer to you than Papa

A number of years ago my little girl said to her mother, in one of those bursts of confidence that children sometimes have, “Mama I am nearer to you than I am to papa.” Her mother asked, “Why, what do you mean, my dear?”

“Why ,” she replied, “I am your own little girl, but I am only related to papa by marriage.”

Whipping Credits!

John D.Rockfeller, Sr. was reared with strict discipline. Upon one occasion, while being punished, he succeeded in convincing his mother that he was not guilty of the offense for which he was being whipped.

“Very well, son,” is mother replied with grim humour, “but we have gone so far that we may as well proceed. It will be credited to your account for next time.”

Ways to Identify Fools and Idiots!!

5b9f3dfbd232bad184e25ce9f3059f23

comedians acted like fools just to educate and entertain  us.

Compiled  by London swaminathan

Post No.2282

Date: 28 October 2015

Time uploaded in London: 20-11

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Sanskrit literature touches every subject matter under the sun. The poets even composed couplets on fools and idiots. By reading such Slokas/couplets, we can easily identify the fools. We learn from them not to behave like fools.

To illustrate stupidity, Sanskrit literature use the simile of a person sitting on the top branch of a tree and cutting down the trunk. Even the great poet Kalidasa was described as stupid in the beginning and becam a great scholar by the grace of Goddess Kali.

Stupid Lady at Shakespeare’s Birth Place

Stupidity is not the monopoly of any particular race or religion though we hear lot of jokes about a particular community or religious group.

A lady visiting Stratford –on-Avon, the birth place of Shakespeare, showed even more than the usual fervour. She had not recovered when she reached the railway station, for she remarked to a friend as they walked on the platform: “To think that it was from this very platform the immortal bard would depart whenever he journeyed to town!”

14-laurel-and-hardy0001

Following story is from my previous article:

Story from a Tamil Proverb

The story goes that a certain man who was the important person in a town lost his mother. A lot of people came to console him and said, “O, Your mother was a great person. She was a mother to everyone. Now the village will be like a motherless child”. This is the Tamil way of consoling. One of the youths among the crowd was a fool. He did not know anything, but just pretended to be intelligent by imitating everyone. He also said the same thing to the grieving VIP. It went on very well for a time. But one day another important person in the town lost his wife. Now that he knew what to say in such a bereavement, he first went to express his condolences. He blindly followed the previous condolence message, “ O, Your wife was a great wife. She was not only wife to you but was wife to everyone in the village. Now the villagers look like a wifeless husband”. The people who watched him saying this, thrashed him and threw him out!

I am pretty sure that every one of us would have done something foolish in our life. That is not unusual. But repeating the same mistake will push us into the category of FOOLS!

Here below is the identification of stupid people:

 

Duuratah sobate muurko lambasaataptavrutah

A fool looks bright from a distance, with long beautiful attire around him.

(If anyone goes near him, they can easily recognise him as an ignoramus; Tip top dress won’t save him)

Taavascha sobate muurko, yaavatkinchinna bhaasate – Hitopadesa

As long as a fool doesn’t open his mouth he shines!

Na sobate sabaamatye hamsamadye bhako yataa

A fool in the assembly (of learned) is like a crane amidst swans.

Apanditaanaam sangoabydayavibangah

Friendship with the unlearned is the end of good things.

citylightsposter.1404248699

Artho gato ghoshamupaiti nuunam

Empty vessels definitely make much noise

Asubam vaakyamaadatte puriishamiva suukarah – Mahabharata

Like the pigs seek poo, bad people seek only bad things

Kashtam kalu muurkatvam – Chanakya neethi

Is it not difficult to be a fool?

-Subham-

Erudition: Four Anecdotes!

M Twain

Compiled by London swaminathan

Post No.2236

Date: 11  October 2015

Time uploaded in London: 19-55

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Mark Twain once observed sagely, “one should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it – and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on the hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again – and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.”

Xxx

When Bernardo Tasso remonstrated with his son, the immortal Torquato, on his injudicious preference of philosophy to jurisprudence, and angrily demanded: “What has philosophy done for you?”

Torquato replied: “It has taught me to hear with meekness the reproofs of a father.”

Torquato_Tasso

picture of Torquato

Xxx

President Woodrow Wilson would sit down beside his green-shaded lamp and take p one paper after another – and work until the small hours. Approval was designated by “Okeh,W.W.” on the margin of a paper.

Someone asked why he did not use the “O.K.”

“Because it is wrong,” Mr Wilson said. He said that the enquirer look up “Okeh” in a dictionary. That he did and discovered that it is a Choktaw word meaning “It is so”.

Xxx

Someone once rudely taunted John Maynard, Lord Commissioner of the Great Seal of England, with having grown old to forget his law.

“True, Sir,” he replied, “I have forgotten more law than you ever learned.”

Freezy, Sneezy, Breezy, Wheezy, Showery: New Names of Months!

FrenchRev_3

Compiled  by London swaminathan

Date: 17th September 2015

Post No: 2167

Time uploaded in London :– 21-31

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During the time of French Revolution, when the months in France were named Thermidor, Floreal, Nivose etc.,  — Sheridan proposed to extend the innovation to the English language, beginning with Januray, as – Freezy, Sneezy, Breezy, Wheezy, Showery, Lowery, Flowery, Bowery, Snowy, Flowy, Blowy, Glowy.”

 

Revolution or Revolt?

Following are some of the anecdotes on revolution:

On the afternoon of July 14, 1789, the Duc de La Rochefoucauls – Liancourt brought to King Louis XVI at Versailles the news of the capture of Bastille. The king exclaimed, “Why, this is a revolt!

“No, sire,” replied the Duke, “it is a revolution.”

french

Revolutionary Irishman

The character of the natural revolutionary is typified by the Irishman who was cast ashore upon a beach after a shipwreck. Weak and exhausted from his struggle with the waves, the castaway staggered along the sands until he encountered a man. “Is there a government here?” he asked next.

“Of course,” was the reply.

“Then – I am against it?”

Hats-1024x877

Heads Roll! Man who made hats hates!

A man living in a village outside Paris during the Revolution met a friend frsh from the city and asked what was happening.

“It’s awful”, was the reply, “they are cutting off heads by the thousand.”

“Good Heavens! Surely not heads,” he cried.

“Why, I am a hatter!”

(Hatter= one who makes hats and sells)

Jesus had only 12 Followers!

12 disciples

Written by London swaminathan

Date : 10 September  2015

Post No. 2145

Time uploaded in London: –  19-57

barrymore

Following are the anecdotes about film directors:

Test for a Good Actor

John Barrymore once asked the Great Russian director, Constantin Stanislavski, how he selected artists

“I chose them by means of this,” said Stanislavsky, picking up a pin. “Now, you go into the next room.”

Barrymore went out and in a moment Stanislavsky said, “You may come in now. Please look for the pin.”

The Russian watched as Barrymore picked up the glasses fro the table, looked under them and lifted each plate. He felt along the surface of the table cloth, lifted the corner, and there was the pin.

Stanislavsky clapped his hands: “Very good – you are engaged! I can tell a real actor,” he explained, “by the way he looks for a pin. If he prances around the room, striking attitudes, pretending to think very hard, looking in ridiculous places — exaggerating – then he is not good.”

Russia-2000-stamp-Konstantin_Stanislavski_

How to say you are not fit for acting?

One day at rehearsal Sir Herbert Tree asked a youthful actor to “step back a little.” The player did so. Tree eyed him critically – and went on rehearsing. After a time he repeated his request: “A little further back”. The youth obeyed. Surveying him, Tree went on with his work. Shortly after wards he again asked the youth step still further back.

“If I do,” expostulated the youth, “I shall be right off the stage.”

“Yes,” said Tree, “that is right.”

jesus 12 disciples

10,000 followers for a film director!

This story concerns the Hollywood director, Joseph von Sternberg, who came to sword’s points with Sam jaffe when the actor was appearing in “The Scarlet Empress” under Von Strenberg’s direction.

Mr.Jaffe deemed certain arbitrary instructions to be improper, and disputed the point.

“Mr.Jaffe,” screamed Von Sternberg, “I am Von Sternberg, I have 10,000 followers.”

“You are very fortunate,” said Jaffe coldly, “Jesus Christ had only 12.”

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