Fatness and Drinking Anecdotes (Post No.5110)

 

Compiled by LONDON SWAMINATHAN

 

Date: 14 JUNE 2018

 

Time uploaded in London –  19-56  (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 5110

 

Pictures shown here are taken from various sources such as Facebook friends, Books, Google and newspapers; thanks. Pictures may be subject to copyright laws.

The English artist C R W Nevinson tells,

“Sisley Huddleston and I were great friends. He was a man of enormous stature.   We have dined and wined together in all parts of Paris, roared with laughter, and teased ‘the girls’.  On one occasion Sisley, Clive Bell and I had eaten chicken and rice and had drunk wine with it.  Being a large man, Sisley had a large appetite.  We took one of those tiny Parisian taxis to Boulevard street St Germain and when we arrived outside we discovered that the rice had swelled so much inside Sisley that it was impossible for him to get out of the door. We pushed and pulled, but he seemed to be growing larger before our eyes; and at length the driver opened the roof, and Sisley came out through that and over the back.  By that time he and I and the driver were so hysterical with merriment that they refused us permission to the Brasserie Lipps in the belief that we were drunk; and Clive Bell who had stood by, shocked and exquisite, was furious because he had a rendezvous there with famous artist Derain.

Xxxx

Too big for the Door!

Years ago, when one of her sons was a cadet at Culver,  Madame Shumann Heink  went to visit him.  She was told where his dormitory was, and wishing to surprise him, she decided to go to his room unannounced.  Arriving at the dormitory she found it to be still under construction.  As she went through a door way, the silver of would caught on her dress and tore a small hole in it. A cadet, who happened to be passing by at that time, called out impudently,

“Madame you should have gone through that door sideways”.

Without taking offence, the heavily built singer laughed heartily,

“Mein got, child, I have no sideways”.

Xxx

Drinking Anecdotes

 

The temperance lecturer, having exhorted the audience with the full force of his eloquence, having demonstrated all the familiar tricks, such as the emersion of an angleworm in a glass of whisky with its consequent agonies, decided to cap the climax with a homely object lesson:

“If I put a pail of whisky and a pail of water in front of a hard-working donkey toiling in the fields, which would he drink?”

 

“The water, bellowed a lusty voice in the audience”.

“That is true, my friend”, said the lecturer.

“And why would he drink water?”

Because he is a jackass, was the immediate reply.

(Jackass= a stupid person or an ass/donkey)

 

Xxx

Let me out

No durance vile could be more pathetic than that suffered by the drunk who was found wandering agonizingly around and around on the sidewalk outside the fence which encloses Gramercy Park, beating upon the bars and screaming, “Let me out”.

Xxx

Two people Remained!

In the days of Nevada was a territory Bill Nye, the humourist was appointed Governor.  So he journeyed to Carson city to take over his duty, and the boys had  gotten together and decided to put the Easterner and his friend in their place by giving them a big banquet and drinking them under the table in short order.  The night of the banquet drinks and speeches flowed unceasingly for hours.  One by one those present slipped gracefully under their chairs and slumbered noisily beneath the tablecloths.

At a small hour of the night only two men were left in a state of consciousness and seated upright—Bill Nye and Mark Twain.

“Well, Bill”, said Twain, stretching and getting up from his chair, “lets go out of here somewhere and Get a drink”

xxx

 

Full, Half, Quarter…. Empty Whiskey Bottle

The representative of an auction house was sent to a home to take an inventory of the goods therein in preparation for a sale. The inventory had progressed in an orderly manner through many large items, such as , one walnut bedroom suite, then listed in detail, and similar items of furnishings.

At the top of this list was one quart scotch whiskey, full, the list continued, then appeared the item, one quart whiskey, partially full. The list continued; then appeared the item, one whiskey bottle, empty.

The final item on the list was, two revolving Turkish rugs!

XXX  SUBHAM XXX

 

 

 

More Drinking Anecdotes (Post No.4983)

Compiled by London Swaminathan 

 

Date: 6 May 2018

 

Time uploaded in London – 11-21 am (British Summer Time)

 

Post No. 4983

 

Pictures shown here are taken from various sources such as Facebook friends, Books, Google and newspapers; thanks. Pictures may be subject to copyright laws.

 

 

WARNING: PLEASE SHARE MY ARTICLES; BUT DON’T SHARE IT WITHOUT AUTHOR’S NAME AND THE BLOG NAME. BE HONEST; OTHERS WILL BE HONEST WITH YOU

 


Whole World Smells
A question of perspective was raised by the case of the drunk, who, while unconscious, had some Limburger cheese rubbed on his moustache. Coming to later, staggering feebly along, he began to say,
Ain’t it awful!
What is the trouble? Someone asked.
Ain’t it awful! Said the drunk.
The whole world smells.

Xxxx

 

Snake and Mongoose

An inebriated gentleman was weaving gently down the street carrying in his hand a box with perforations in the lid and sides. An acquaintance stopped him and said ,
My word, what have you got in the box.
Shh, said the drunk, It’s a mongoose.
What on earth for? asked his friend
Well, he said, you know how it is with me. I am not very drunk now, but I will be soon. And when I am I see snakes and I am scared of them and that is what I got the mongoose for;to protect me.
But good heavens, said his friend, those are imaginary snakes!
That’s all right, said the drunk reassuringly. That’s all right; this is an imaginary mongoose

Xxx

Stuffed Fish!


At a fashionable bar the main decoration s were mounted game and fish. A drunk fascinated by them, carefully walked from one to the other mumbling as he went. Suddenly he came upon an enormous stuffed tarpon. Swaying precariously stared at it for a full minute, then burst forth, ‘The fella who caught the fish is a liar!’

 

Tarpon= a large marine fish
Xxxx

 

Love Your Enemies
A clergyman told an   American Indian he should love his enemies.
I do, said the latter, for I love rum and cider.

 

xxxx

Open Your Hands!

William Pen was exhorting a drunkard to cast off his habits. The drunkard lamented that this was impossible.
No, said Penn. It is as easy as opening your hand, my friend.
Tell me how this is and I will do as you say, said the drunkard.
Friend, when you find any vessel of intoxicating liquor in your hand. Open the hand that it contains it before it reaches your mouth you will never be drunk again.

xxxx

 

Snake Bite!

In one of our South western proverbially dry states a couple of strangers in town asked a man on the street where they could get a drink
Well, said the man, in this town they only use whiskey for snake bite. There is only one snake in town, and it is getting kind of late You’d better hurry down and ‘git’ in line before it ‘gits’ exhausted.
Xxxx subham xxx

விதுரர் கூறும் விதுர நீதி – 5

Written by S.NAGARAJAN

 

 

Date:16 October 2017

 

Time uploaded in London- 7–29 am

 

 

Post No. 4305

Pictures shown here are taken from various sources such as Facebook friends, Books, Google and newspapers; thanks.

 

 

 

 

மஹாபாரதச் செல்வம்

விதுரர் கூறும் விதுர நீதி – 5

 

ச.நாகராஜன்

 

7

பெண்களிடம் அதிக மோகம்

சூதாட்டம்

வேட்டையாடுதல்

குடி

கடுஞ்சொல்

கொடிய தண்டனை

வீண் செலவு

இந்த ஏழையும் அரசன் விலக்க வேண்டும்.

(மற்றவர்களும் இதை விலக்க வேண்டும் என்பது உள்ளடங்கிய பொருள்)

8
வலியச் சென்று பிராமணர்களைத் திட்டுதல்,வெறுத்தல்

பிராமணர்களால் விரோதிக்கப்படுதல்

பிராமணர்களின் பொருளைக் கவர்தல்

பிராமணர்களைக் கொல்ல விரும்புதல்

பிராமணர்களைத் திட்டுவதில் மகிழ்ச்சி அடைதல்

பிராமணர்களைப் புகழும் போது துக்கமடைதல்

செய்ய வேண்டிய காரியங்களில் அவர்களை நினைக்காமல் இருத்தல்

அவர்கள் யாசிக்கும் போது பொறாமை அடைதல்

ஆகிய் எட்டும் ஒரு மனிதன் அடையும் நரகத்திற்கு முன் அறிகுறிகள்.

அறிவுடைய மனிதன் இந்த எட்டு வித தோஷங்களையும் நீக்க வேண்டும்.

*

 

நண்பர்களுடைய சேர்க்கை

அதிகமான பண வரவு

தனது பிள்ளை தன்னைத் தழுவிக் கொள்ளுதல்

தம்பதிகள் ஒற்றுமையுடன் இன்பம் அனுபவித்தல்

சரியான சமயத்தில் பிரியமான சல்லாபம்

தன்னுடைய கூட்டத்தார்களுடைய மேன்மை

நினைத்த பொருளை அடைதல்

ஜன சமூகத்தில் மரியாதை

இந்த எட்டும் மகிழ்ச்சிக்கு வெண்ணெய் போன்றவனவாகக் காணப்படுகின்றன.

*

அறிவு

நற்குடிப் பிறப்பு

அடக்கம்

கல்வி

பாராக்கிரமம்

மிதமான வார்த்தை

சக்திக்குத் தக்கபடி தானம்

செய்ந்நன்றி அறிதல்

ஆகிய எட்டும் குணங்களும் மனிதனை பிரகாசிக்கச் செய்கின்றன.

 

9

 

ஒன்பது துவாரங்களை உடையதும்

வாதம், பித்தம், கபம் என்ற மூன்றையும் தூணாக உடையதும்

சப்தம் முதலிய ஐந்து சாட்சிகளுடன் கூடியதும்

ஜீவன் வசிக்கின்றதுமான இந்த உடல் ஆகிய வீட்டின் தத்துவத்தை எவன் ஒருவன் அறிகிறானோ

அவனே சிறந்த அறிவாளி.

 

10

 

பத்துப் பேர்கள் தர்மத்தை அறிகிறதில்லை.

ஓ! திருதாக்ஷ்டிரனே! அவர்கள் யார் என்பதைத் தெர்நிது கொள்ளும்.

கள் குடித்தவன்

அஜாக்கிரதை உடையவன்

பைத்தியம் பிடித்தவன்

களைப்புற்றவன்

கோபக்காரன்

பசியுள்ளவன்

அவசரப்படுகின்றவன்

கஞ்சன்

பயங்கொண்டவன்

காமவெறி பிடித்தவன்

ஆகிய பத்து பேரும் தர்மத்தை அறியார். ஆகையால் பண்டிதனானவன் இந்த விஷயங்களில் விழக் கூடாது.

 

****

MORE DRINKING ANECDOTES (Post No.4116)

Compiled  by London Swaminathan
Date: 26 July 2017
Time uploaded in London-9-19 am
Post No. 4116
Pictures shown here are taken from various sources such as Facebook friends, Books, Google and newspapers; thanks.

 

“I see you are drinking coffee, Judge”, someone remarked to Ben Lindsey on a hot summer’s day, “why don’t you try something cooling? Did you ever try gin and ginger ale?”

“No”, said judge Lindsey, “but I have tried fellows we have”.

 

xxx

The story is told about Arthur Sullivan, the composer, that the one faculty which never forsook him was his tonal sense. It is said that he returned one night to his flat in a state of inebriation sufficient to render the row of identical houses in which he lived a difficult problem in identification. Sullivan ambled down the row pausing from time to time and kicking at the metal shoe scrapers by the side of the steps of the houses. Coming to one, he paused, kicked it again, murmured to himself, “That’s right. E flat” and entered the door.

 

xxx

 

While Sir Wilfred Lawson was pushing anti-liquor agitation in the House of Lords, some of his waggish enemies passed this story about:

During Sir Wlifred’s university days he was accused of breaking rules, and the head of his college called him upon the carpet, “Sir, said the dignitary, “ I am told you have a barrel of beer in your room, which you should know is contrary to orders.”

“Well, sir, the delinquent admitted, “that is true; but the fact is I am of a weak constitution, and the doctors told me that if I drank this beer I should get stronger.”

“And are you stronger? the head asked sarcastically. “Oh yes, sir; indeed, I am. When the barrel came, I could scarcely move it; but it was not long before I could easily roll it around the room”.

xxx

In Texas they like their liquor straight, as witness the case of one old timer who, upon taking in his hand a small tumbler of whiskey, said, “Blindfold me and hold my nose—‘cause if I see it or smell it, my mouth will water and dilute it!”

xx

The young fellow, slightly green in the ways of the smart set, apologised to his hostess, explaining, “Though I may be slightly under the affluence of incohol, I am not so think as you drunk as I am”.

xxx Subham xxx

 

 

Sleeping and Drinking Anecdotes (Post No.4113)

Compiled  by London Swaminathan
Date: 25 July 2017
Time uploaded in London-18-02
Post No. 4113
Pictures shown here are taken from various sources such as Facebook friends, Books, Google and newspapers; thanks.

 

Stephen Leacock says, “I often think this ‘insomnia’ business is about 90 percent nonsense. When I was a yong man living in boarding house in Toronto, my brother George came to visit me, and since there was no spare room, we had to share my bed. In the morning, after day light, I said to George,

“Did you get much sleep?”

“Not a damn minute”, said he.

Neither did I, I rejoined. “I could hear every sound all night.”

“Then we put our heads up from the bed clothes and the bed was coveed with plaster. The ceiling had fallen on us in the night. But we hadn’t noticed it. We had ‘insomnia’.

 

xxx

The old light house keeper had been at his post continuously for thirty ears. During that entire period he had been accustomed to a gun going off, practically under his nose, every six minutes, day and night This was the method followed for warning the ships Naturally, he grew hardened to this periodic explosion, and paid no attention to it. Then, one night, in his 31st year at his post, the gun failed to go off. The old man awoke from a sound slumber.

“What was that?” he cried in alarm.

xxx

 

Drinking Anecdotes

One day Dr Johnson was conversing with Mrs Williams, ablind friend of his. She was telling him where she had dined the day before, “There were several gentlemen there”, said she, “and I found that there had been a good deal of hard drinking”. She closed this observation with a tite moral reflection: I wonder what pleasure men can take in making beasts of themselves!”

Dr Johnson replied, “I wonder madam that you have not the penetration to see that he who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.”

 

xxx

A lady once asked Secretary of State Evarts if drinking so many different wines did not make him seedy (unwell) the next day.

“No madam, he repied, It is the indifferent wines that produce that result”.

xxx

All teetotellers should be as gracious in their excuses as the Irish poet, George Russel, better known as A.E.

When declining a drink, he would murmur, “No, thank you. You see…………. I was born intoxicated”.

 

xxx

Sir Campbell Bannerman M.P. was once asked his opinion on the liquor traffic. He replied, “The liquor traffic is a large subject, and I can hardly enter on it here. There is an old story of a Highlander who was asked if whisky was not a bad thing. ‘Yes’, said he, ‘very bad—especially bad whiskey.”

–Subham–