Compiled by London swaminathan

Date: 21 December 2016

Time uploaded in London:- 18-14

Post No.3469

Pictures are taken from different sources; thanks.

contact; swami_48@yahoo.com

The would -be wit found himself quietly put down several pegs when, at the dinner table, he held up his fork with a piece of meat upon it and asked his hostess,
“Is this pig?”
“To which end of the fork do you refer ?”, asked one of his fellow guests.

Xxx
I can’t remember your name
At a recent gathering of Hamilton college alumni, Alexander Woollcott was interrupted in the telling of a story by a former classmate, who said, “Hello Alex! You remember me, don’t you?”

Mr Woollcott shook his head,
“I can’t remember your name, but don’t tell me……” He then went on with his story.

Xxxx

Real Pearls and False Teeth!

At a stuffy English garden party, Beatrice Lilly, Lady Peel, wearing the Peel pearls, was approached by a lady of lineage who said maliciously,
“What lovely pearls, Beatrice, are they genuine?”
Miss Lillie nodded,
“Of course you can always tell by biting them” , she said.
“Here, let me see.”
“Gladly, said Lady Peel, preferring her jewels, but remember Duchess, you can’t tell real pearls with false teeth”.

Xxxx
 

“I simply can’t bear fools”.

One of Dorothy Parker’s more telling retorts was in answer to the snobbish young man who had been discoursing at some length at a party and had finally observed,
“I simply can’t bear fools”.
“How odd, was Miss Parker’s reply.
“Apparently your mother could”.

Xxxx

For deadly comments on deadly occasions Beatrice Lillie deserves some accolade.
“Don’t think it has been charming”, she said to her hostess when leaving a party, “because it has not” .
Xxx

Polished Brass!
Robert Hall being unsuccessful in securing the hand of a Miss Steel, while smarting under his disappointment, took tea with a company of ladies, one of whom, the lady of the house, said, in bad taste ,
“You are dull, Mr Hall, and we have no polished steel to brighten you”.
“O, madam, replied Hall, that is of no consequence; you have plenty of polished brass”.

Xxx

I never forget a Face, but……
A celebrity hound approached Groucho Marx at a party.
“You remember me, Mr Marx. We met at the Glynthwaites some months ago”.
“I never forget a face”, Groucho replied, “but I will make an exception in your case”.

Xxx
Against the charge of malice, Samuel Rogers defended himself thus:
“They tell me I say ill- natured things. I have a very weak voice; if I didn’t say ill- natured things no would hear what I said”.

Xxxx
When one of the town’s most important movie producers had his secretary call the late john Barrymore to invite him to a party, Barrymore politely murmured  into the telephone,
“I have a previous engagement which I shall make as soon as possible”.

Xxx

I am Herman Goering!

Herman Goering accompanied the Fuehrer on one of his visits to Rome. On the crowded railway platform filled with dignitaries and troops, the massive Marshal roughly jostled past an Italian gentleman of aristocratic bearing, who turned and haughtily demanded an apology. Fiercely the Marshal turned upon him and snapped,
“I am Herman Goering”. The Italian bowed and replied,
“As an excuse that is not enough, but as an explanation it is ample”.

–Subham–